Todays Smile

[happy daze john in oz]

In the pub the other night having a beer with the mates and one of the ladies.

Charlie, being the gent he is said to the lady,
'You having another one"

No she replied it is just the way my coat hangs.

[James Curry]

True story, my dear old mum inlaw, long gone now. She says to her neighbour,not seen you in ages, oh looks as if congratulations are in order, poor girl just looked at her I'm just fat.

Mum inlaw could come out with some crackers, in Tescos one day says to a young lad stacking shelves, eh son what shelf are the Flatulence beans on? young lad blushes and says do you mean flageolet beans

Well she says what ever they all give you wind lol. Must admit I do miss my inlaws.

Liverpool wit, Guy jumps on a bus and asks the driver, does this bus stop at the Pier Head? Driver I fecken hope so.

Same guy gets on a bus and asks the driver is this going to speke? Driver well I have been on it all day and it has not said a word yet!!! if you know you know lol.

[Gerald Farr]

Two Bumper Stickers seen on the back of a couple of cars here in Australia. No1: I'm always in the s**t, only the depth varies. No. 2: I've lost my virginity but I've still got the box it came in. And a quote attributed to the comedian Sir Norman Wisdom (Also Ice skater extraordinaire, Pianist of concert quality, Acrobatic comedian and Actor. An amazing man). Unfortunately there's three unwanted things that come with old age, loss of memory and ,,,,I can't think of the other two.

[James Curry]

I lost a dear friend a few days ago. This being horse country round here he made his living as a Farrier. I knew him from my time in Cammel Lairds, 60 years I guess. He was actually a time served Blacksmith ,but eked out a living as a Farrier. He still did a bit of Black smithing , making gates and the like.
Anyway he passed away a few days ago and no one would take his old dog. The RSPCA called to take the dog away.
Me being nosey, I asked the guy in the van will they get someone to give the dog a home? To be honest mate not many want an old dog, vet bills etc !!

So what will happen to Anvil? ah!! we will give it a week and if no interest sadly he will be Eusthanised.
Now I know Tommy had had Anvil since a pup so about 12 years or so and Tommy loved that dog. A real shame as it was a lovely dog, bit of a great Dane in him big bugger.
Anyway, no way was I going to let my mates dog get the big sleep early doors so I said listen I'll take him , he knows me and the area and will settle down okay. So the RSPCA fella said give it ago, then, and see how you get on.

Got Anvil home, the wife had a face on her like a well smacked aser!!! and what are you going to do with that! It will eat us out of house and home for goodness sake.

He will be no bother , nice big back garden for him to play in.



Well, got his lead off and the first thing he did

Was make a BOLT for the door

[Gerald Farr]

The rain was absolutely hissing down when the very inebriated gentleman staggered out of the pub to wend his way home. It was so bad that that he decided not to go the long way round by road but to take the short cut through the church yard and across the graveyard. It was very dark and extremely slippery underfoot and he didn't see the newly dug grave until he was right up to it and in trying to avoid it, lost his balance and fell into it. After a few minutes regaining his alcoholic impaired composure he tried to climb out but the grave had been dug out of soil consisting mainly of clay so was really slippery and after half an hour or so of climbing up and falling back he gave up and squatted down at one end of the grave to wait until the morning when someone might help him out. Strangely enough another drunk leaving the same pub about an hour or so later had the same idea of taking the short cut and also fell into the grave and he started trying to climb out. The first drunk watched with amusement as the second fellow climbed up, slid back, fell into the water, got up and tried again. In the end the first drunk said,.......... You'll never get out of here and, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID!!!!