Todays Smile

[John Arton]

Tiger woods was driving his BMW through rural Ireland when he stops at a remote petrol station to fill up. The owner does not recognise him but as tiger woods is filling the car up a golf tee falls out of his pocket. The garage owner picks it up and asks tiger woods what it is, Tiger Woods replies, it's to rest my balls on when I'm driving, Bejazus, the Irishman exclaims, BMW, think of everything don't they.
Rgds
J.A

[James Curry]

I was talking to my neighbour over the fence last night, we were having a sneaky beer.

He knew I had been at sea for many years.
Got around to talking about some of the places I had been to.

Anything still on your to do or go too bucket List?
I thought he was going to choke on his beer, all I said was I have changed my bucket list, oh in what way. It is now on my F-uck it list.

a few more to brighten your day

Basket case.jpg

weddings.jpg

Knees.jpg

grouchy.jpg

For Des.jpg

fiddle.jpg

[James Curry]

mum corrects daughter.jpg

Sounds like a souloution.jpg

Oz.jpg cool or what lol.

[Gerald Farr]

A very wealthy American widow who had always been interested in the Arts decided one day to do more to help the movement as well as help herself, she decided to sponsor a young and promising artist but didn't know where to start. After asking around she found out that the best place to go was Paris as there were many up and coming artists living in Montmartre, especially around Place du Terte where many had small studios, galleries, shops and also where they lived. So off she went and spent a number of days looking at hundreds of paintings on display until she decided on one particular artist's works. His name was Pierre and she then approached him with her offer. She told him that she would not pay him but would supply him with a studio, living accommodation, food, and all the canvases, brushes, paints, easels, and palettes that he needed. In return all he had to do was paint one picture a year for her, the subject to be of her choosing, so that when he became famous she would have a selection of his paintings which would only increase in value. He agreed and they then both returned to the good, old U S of A. After six months she went to Pierre and told him that she would be going on a World cruise for two months and in that time he was to complete his first commission for her. She told him that she was arranging a Gala Ball for her return where his painting would be unveiled in front of all the guests. The painting she said, had been been done many times before, but this time she wanted it done from a different viewpoint. She wanted him to paint Custer's Last Stand, not as an over all view but as seen through Custer's own eyes, his feelings, his thoughts. She asked Pierre if he could do that and he said he believed he could, so off she went for her cruise leaving him to it. Two months later the Ballroom was set up with the painting duly covered, the evening meal over and the dancing well under way when the Hostess stepped forward, she said we now come to the real purpose of this evening, it is to unveil the first of many paintings that Pierre will be doing for me over the coming years, and with a flourish she unveiled the picture. There was utter silence, a number of the delicate young ladies swooned or completely passed out whilst the words shocking, dreadful, unbelievable drifted round the dancefloor. The extremely large painting consisted of a very large fish wearing a Halo, underneath that was a very large eye and all round the border were young naked Indian couples engaged in sexual activities in every position you could think of and probably a few you've never thought of. She screamed Pierre what is the meaning of this, he replied but Madame it is what you requested, Custer's Last Stand as seen through his eyes. Explain, explain, Pierre, explain it please. But it is so simple Madame from Custer's view point, Holy Mackrel look at all them F****ng Indians.

[Gerald Farr]

The young Constable was taking a statement from a witness to an assault on an Electric bicycle rider. He said to the witness you say that you saw five people assaulting this rider, that's right said the witness. So why didn't you go and help asked the Constable, well five seemed enough replied the witness.

[happy daze john in oz]

Mum and dad asked little Johnny what he wanted for Christmas.

'I wana watch' he replied.
So they let him.

[Steve Singleton]

I've heard a rumour that they are not going to make 12 inch rulers any longer.

[James Curry]

In a pub, the barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”

Paddy looks at him incredulously and says, “Why would I be needing two empty feckin’ glasses?”




Scotty.jpg

Shoes & Spain.jpg

CAts & Drugs.jpg

[j.sabourn]

#27 Bad luck if your a midget and a member of any Royal Family. JS

[Gerald Farr]

Butch the Rooster!!!! Sarah was in the fertilised chicken egg business and had several hundred young pullets along with ten roosters to fertilise the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time; so she bought some small bells and attached them to her roosters and as each bell had a different note to it she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went out to see why she saw all the other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells ringing as they ran. But the pullets, hearing them coming, ran for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch that she entered him at the next Country Show and he became an overnight sensation among the Judges. The result was the Judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Vote very carefully in any upcoming Elections, you can't always hear the Bells.