Virtual Ship

[Donald Gardner]

Message in a bottle left on the rolling about on the boatdeck for Queenie to pick up

Oi you lot. Don’t you ever have boat drill on this old tub? I thought it was compulsory on any vessel flying the Red Duster. I stowed away under the canvas of number two lifeboat best part of a month ago and no buggers discovered or rescued me yet. I have only survived on hard-tack biscuits and the remains of those disgusting Tabnabs that the ship’s cat keeps stealing. Never thought I would have to fight a mangy moggy in order to feed on Clan Line Spew (Heinz sandwich-spread) also found some of those little blue pills in the lifeboat locker which I assumed were to give me energy but I am now doubting their authenticity – perhaps the Board of Trade has changed the specifications - as every time I hear Queenie mincing around the boat deck during the hours of darkness I find I am having stirrings.

I jumped ship in that last god-forsaken port back in 1968 but decided that perhaps it was now time to try and make for my home port in Blighty. I spied you tied up at the wharf and thought by your dilapidated appearance you were my old ship the S.S. Clan Macdonald that ran the Malta blockade back in 43. Now before any of you lot have the notion to jettison me overboard along with the weevil infested cornflakes and freezer burned ancient sausages that Den tried to serve up to the Old man at breakfast; think again. I am claiming D.B.S. stowaway status but am happy to sign on articles in a suitable elevated capacity.

Doubtful Don (Gardner)


R703613

[happy daze john in oz]

What do you mean, stowaway DBS, we are all either stowaways or press gang victims and your chance of getting back to anywhere let alone Blighty is about as good as winning the lottery. We have been like the gooney bird for the past twelve months, going around in circles and in danger of dissapearing up our own fundemental orifice.Speaking of which brings Queenie to mind while you are swaning around in that life boat, a BOT life boat I might add. Beware if she finds you there is a good possibility she may want you to polish the golden rivet, hear it has got a bit rusty of late.

[Michael Lawrence]

Come along and see me my son. I'm the ship's galley boy and as you know we galley boys have the most influence on board ship, usually out of a litre bottle. Den and his mate Terry have made some Christmas pud so you come along now and we'll feed you up. We've even got some gravy left over from Cariad's last cooking. Don't mind the Taffia on the fore deck Bach as at their collective age they're not only toothless but shouldn't even be here, but propping up the Severn bridge look you. Now you sit there my little lad and tell me all about these things called lifeboats. Don't mind me I'm just putting an edge on this here blade, Vernon the purser will be down shortly to measure you up like. As we all says , 'It's good to have fresh tucker now and then.'

[Doc Vernon]

Now i have forgotten who the Capt of this Ship was!
As i am now taking a wee bit of Shore leave i would like permission to come aboard as a passenger !
I know that the Grub isnt of the finest quality,and the going may be rough,but all i ask is a Berth somewhere far below ,with a bit of quiet! haha!
I dont know abour passage money,but what about i Sail out with you as a Passenger and then work my passage back,would that be acceptable to you Capt!
Just to relax and see the sights would be lovely! Ahhhhh!!!
Cheers!

[happy daze john in oz]

Passenger????????????????? We do not have such things on THIS ship, here you work until you drop, or until it is your turn on the wheel then you just starve as the mess boy always forgets to take food up there. So no more talk of 'working' your passage you join up like the rest of us on the prescribed rate of pay which is currently..................... How much did you say mike?

[Terry Wilcox]

Wellll. as I can see it, all of the deck hands are passengers. The only crew are the Catering Staff, The deck hands do a little bit of painting, then turn in for a couple of hours. and where are the cooks and stewards.... WORKING as usual. Den and myself are slaving over a hot range and you lot are in your bunks, and putting the World to right. Take care...... Terry.

[Dennis McGuckin]

Terry mate.
You may not have noticed but I have been adrift for some months now.
I heard a rumor that rum [instead of oil] had been discovered in the desert.
With my usual enthusiasm to help my shipmates,[they love rum ba-ba's, or is that something else that Daze John is into?] I ventured forth [or was it fifth?] into the unknown.
So far I have only discovered enough, albeit at the local liquor store, for my own survival.
However, undaunted I shall persevere.
No hardship is too great for my shipmates.
Of course when I do discover the golden fountain, I shall have to convert it all [except for my own use] into rum extract.
That's all they have ever had in my tab-nabs
Den.

[happy daze john in oz]

It is two and a half years since this ship set sail and stil we have got no where. Den stuck in the dessert, or desert, which ever tasts the best? lokking for Rum? He should know by now that all he wil find is some worn out camels. We have starved, broken our teeth on tab nabs so hard the Chinese have ordered some to re-build the wall, suffered stew from a cauldron used to do the dhobi in, thrown bread over the side that even the seaguls would not eat and now I am informed we have passengers. Where is the captain, or should I ask who is rostered to that role this week? Yet we come back for more, maybe we could reinvigorate the old M.N.

[Michael Lawrence]

I suppose this must be one of the oldest and oddest posts on here. As John said we left the Thames over 2 1/2 years ago and still got no where. We've used Den's and Wilkies tabnabs for everything except eating. The Cairad the Caudron has been used or abused by everything and everyone especially the Taffia. We've brewed beer in it
mixed up scouse in it ---sorry her lovely girl that she is, even Taffy X has washed is his socks in her, but an end must come. The good ship 'Virtuality' has run out of steam, she has no oil left for the engines, someone has flogged the lifeboats to a tribe of Bedouins telling them they(L.B.s) are the new ships of the desert. The port and starboard lights have been lifted and sold on Antiques roadshow for a phenominal sum. The anchors have gone walkabout and I understand that Gillette have put a bid in for them as the new must have for all wankers, sorry I mean bankers. Cable and chain we 'ave none and the derricks have been purchased at great expense by that crowd building the olympic arenas in East London. Thats East London U.K. Vernon not the Sth African one. The other day I caught a gang of rats launching the last life raft. BUT woe upon woe I new something was wrong when I saw The galley range in an episode of 'Relocation, Relocation, Relocation'.

I think the last thing the old girl should do is load up all those hard done by buggers in H.M> prisons take away their t/v's and radios plus mobile phones etc., and send the grand old lady on her last voyage to the middle of the Atlantic or Pacific and there pull the plug on her. We could all ask to use one of the 'Queens' to send her on her final voyage.

Let me know your thoughts on this lads please.

[happy daze john in oz]

Sink her in the ocean???????????????????????? Mate we would be hard pushed to get her to the ocean, and if we did then no doubt some green scumbag would have us done for poluting the seas. No Mike we must save her for prosterty so that younger generations will see just how hard we had it in our day. We could of course turn her into a floating hotel for the down and outs who now sleep under Tower Bridge, but they may think it does not meet their standards! Could sell her for scrap but we would most likely have to pay to have her towed away, but wait, Alf will be back soon so we will have a helmsman, we can set sail again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But one of the queens to send her on her way, who did you have in mind, Les B Ann or maye Alf's mate Aggie???????