Modern weddings

[Jim Jamieson]

When my partner and I went to the church to discuss our wedding with the preacher he said she could wear a white dress if she had been faithful to me during the long trips I had done and if she had screwed around she must wear a blue one.
I was so happy when she said she'd be wearing white.
Followed up by " I'll be wearing a white wedding dress with lots and lots of little blue polka dots"

[Nils Dahl]

my local pub has an average sized bar, neither too long nor too short.
What it does have is inefficient staff who tend to
congregate too much at the end where the local "in" crowd monopolise all the space and the attention of whatever staff are on duty.
One chap, frustrated by being ignored, hit on the idea of phoning the pub from his mobile. When the barmaid answered the phone he told her that there was someone asking for her at the neglected area of the bar.
Of course no lady can ignore a call like that and she immediately sashayed up to where he stood with the phone still held to her ear and asked him who it was who wanted her. Having a last gained her undivided attention he calmly placed his order closely followed by a dozen or so others who had been equally ignored and frustrated.
Unfortunately, once having been caught the staff diidn't respond afer that

[Doc Vernon]

For the Capt!
You must then go to Ohio!
They have the longest Bar around!
Well so it says!
Cheers

Beer Barrel Saloon - Longest Bar The world's longest permanent continuous bar is the counter in the Beer Barrel Saloon which is 123.7 m 405 ft 10 in long and opened at Put-in-Bay, South Bass Island, Ohio, USA, in 1989. The bar is fitted with 56 beer taps and surrounded by 160 bar stools. Longer temporary bars have been erected, notably for beer festivals

Cripes!!

[Neil Morton]

On the subject of length; the shortest bar at which I imbibed occured completely by chance. My wife and I were driving aimlessly around West Sussex on a bright late Spring day and spotting a sign indicating a rural hotel we turned into a narrow lane and eased along beside a small stream. The lane terminated at a large Victorian country house nestled in a grove of oaks beside a large lake. Created I suspect by damming the steam. At a small jetty half a dozen small skiffs nudged one another in a breeze.
A small elderly lady in a bright red head scarf and gum boots slowly painted a wooden bollard from a large can of white paint.On our arrival she turned and waved the paint brush in welcome.
"I dont think this is a pub," says I to the missus.The old girl clumped over,"We don't do lunches dear", she says, " but the bar is open. Over there through the front door, ring the bell and Daddy will come."
"Strewth!" thought yours truly "if daddy is really her father he must be Methusalas brother.
The "bar" was 4ft wide and bang in front of a door which had an ancient till screwed securely upon it. The optics hung from a sturdy beam which appeared to support a staircase under which the bar was tightly jammed in an ingenious way. The door slowly opened the till swung towards us almost touching the bar and in came Daddy.Mercifully he was hubby rather than "old father time": the very picture of "mine host" with ruddy apple cheeks and a belly straining his belt and braces. "Aha" cries he,"what is your pleasure sir?" Not used to good manners from bar staff, I give a good old Aussie "G'day". We fall into conversation over a fine pint of Harveys Best Bitter and a G&T and he joined us in a small half. I was interested as to how they made a living.
. "Weddings," he explains, "rooms galore up stairs and boating picnics." Mine host went to the kitchen and came back with warm sausage rolls and later showed us the accomodation. An old army man we yarned away for and houror two about this and that and when "she who must be obeyed" became restless we bade them a reluctant farewell.Not the Murray and a paddle steamer,( we've done that too), however very satisfying, a finer English garden setting for the nuptials would be hard to find. Wonder if they allow black?