How to shut up an Irate Captain

[John Arton]

In 1970 I was a cadet on one of CP's Forest Product ships. These used to load Phosphate in Jacksonville for discharge in Port Moody B.C. then spend the 21 days plus, loading timber, timber products and paper and paper products around Vancouver and Vancouver Island for discharge in the U.K. and N. Europe. What a run and what party ships they were, no night or weekend work in B.C. at that time. They had such a party reputation that local radio stations in Vancouver, Port Alberni, Nanaimo rtc. used to announce our arrival and in Alberni the morning show was often recorded the night before in the Officers Bar and the tape taxied to the radio station for playing on the morning wake up show whilst the D.J. was lying pizzed in our bar and not in the studio (probably the reason why no one trusted that D.J.'s weather forecast, recording the night before that is was a "Fine sunny morning", when it was pizzing it down outside did nowt to inspire the confidence of the locals in that particular stations weather forecast, also meant we had to remember to say it was morning if we were asked a question "on air", difficult after a heavy night party).
In 1970 there was a 12 week dock strike in B.C. and we ended up anchored in Burrad Inlet opposite Cates Park for around 4 of them, could have been longer though. This meant that to continue our party time guests had to be ferried out to us using the ships lifeboat if they did not have their own boat (which quite a few of them did). As cadets it was our job to run the lifeboats on a strict schedule drawn up by the Captain, to Cates Park where there was parking for guests cars plus a public landing. This worked extremley well and especially at weekends we would have humungous parties. Even fog did not deter us from keeping the schedule, radar guidance from the bridge been provided via walkie talkie radios to the lifeboat. The parties started getting a bit out of hand at one point, especially when the Captain came down for breakfast one morning only to find every seat at his table occupied by a female guest. New rules.
1. No guests in the bar AT midnight..fine
2355 bar empties of guests who retire to nearest Officers cabins
0005 Guests leave cabin and return to Bar.
2. No guests in Officers Saloon after 0800...fine, lots of breakfast in beds or 0730 breakfasts.
One weekend one of the Deck Officers whose sister-in-law (a twin of his wife) who lived in Vancouver, invited her to spend the day on board with him. She came with her young child but no husband (he working maybe, cannot remember) and they spent a pleasant day on board and actually stayed for thats night party. Due to a mix up in communications, when I was running the last shore boat we ended up landing the majority of guests on the other side of the inlet and we repaired to their nearby house for a few more scoops. On returning to the boat we found an irate engineer with his guest who demanded we go to the regular landing spot to allow his guest to collect her car and get to work on time. All this toing and froing meant that it was around 0700 before I got the boat back to the ship. On coming up the gangway I was met by a most irate captain who was shouting at the top of his voice wanting me to know what a fool I was and did I know that I had abandoned a married lady and her child on board overnight. He was making such a fuss that the deck officer in question woke up and came out rubbing his eyes wanting to know what all the fuss was about. Turning round the Captain told him he was having a go at me for marooning the sister-in-law and child on board whilst we had gone cavorting with the boat. At this the Officer in question patted the Captain on his head and said "Calm down sir, the childs in the spare cabin asleep and the sister-in-law's is in bed with me!!!!", instant quiet from an irate Captain.
Never got to finish that trip as I ended up in hospital in Vancouver after nearly ripping my foot off after it got trapped between the travelling munck gantry crane i was hitching a lift on and one of the hold vents, I obviously came off worse, lots of blood, torn boot, torn flesh etc.etc. Had 10 days in hospital and then flown home on crutches.
Happy days eh.
brgds
Capt. John Arton

[Chris Allman]

Another good one Capt John.

Chris.