Todays Smile

[Doc Vernon]

Just a smile for Today Lads!

These Irish Jokes are always a laugh!
Cheers

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[happy daze john in oz]

Two young lads having a pee on a bush when one turns to the other and says.

'Why are you peeing differently to me'?

Well I mam Jewish said the other lad,

'What difference does that make'

'Well I had a bit cut off the end'

'How old were you then'

'Five weeks'
'Did it hurt'

'Did it hurt, mate I could not walk for 18 months"

[j.sabourn]

#1 That same Englishman ,Scotsman and Irishman, the Irishman dies and at his wake the Englishman is very distressed and says he died and I owed him 20 quid, so takes out 20 pounds from his wallet and throws it in the
Coffin. The Welshman is also is crying and saying I Ken well I owed him 30 pounds as well so he too throws 30 pounds into the coffin , the Scotsman is greeting as well and says I too owed him money so he takes out his cheque book makes out a cheque for a hundred pounds throws it in the coffin , and takes out the Fifty pounds change and puts it in his wallet. JS

[Johnny Kieran]

Brilliant stuff boy's, keep it coming

[j.sabourn]

This bloke with not a too good vocabulary goes into this cafe, young waitress comes to the table to take his order, he looks at the menu and says I’ll have two pissoles with a serving of baked beans on the side.The young waitress is shocked and rushes to see the manager and says there’s a male customer out there being bad mouthed out there. Ok says the manager I’ll sort him out and goes and confronts the Customer.Now sir he says what do you want? All I want is what’s on the menu says the customer beans and two pissoles, give me that menu says the manager, ahh he says that’s not a P that’s supposed to be an R. Okay okay said the customer give me two Rsolles.,JS

[Tony Taylor]

My mother in law came to tea; why does your dog keep looking at me? she says.
I replied, " your're using his plate.

[James Curry]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?







Rick O’Shea

[James Curry]

Keep the smile threads going.

I wonder have Vic & Bill formed a new Glasgow and beyond decorators company and are going Global?

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[J Gowers]

I saw one many years ago with the same wording but it was a plumber and said mainly Liverpool.

Here is a brickies story.

Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to yourrequest for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for afuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. WhenI completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went upto the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of thebricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull,minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of theaccident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deepinto the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composureand presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

[j.sabourn]

#9. Talking of brickies my old man was originally one. On my going to sea we were giving a list of apparel needed and I was 2 pairs of underpants short so my mother put two pairs of my old man’s in the useless cabin trunk which was also a list item. This is a true story. Many years later one of my dad’s mates told me the story of my old man taking his pants off on the scaffold and parading himself up and down in a pair of my mothers knickers
saying he wouldn’t come and work with us but at least he’s wearing a pair of my underpants.We didn’t have much money either. JS