Getting old.

[Dennis McGuckin]

Getting Old is a test of time you don't want to flunk.



1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.



2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.



3. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.



4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.



5. Old age is coming at a really bad time.



6. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.



7. The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."



8. I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.



9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees



10. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.



11. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?



12. Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.



13. At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.



14. Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.

[happy daze john in oz]

Number 11, a sign of the times I fear.

Here inOz the best language you can attempt to learn is Phillipino as no matter who you call for help or advice a Philipino will reply.

[happy daze john in oz]

"I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house".

"I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”

“I’m a head gardener. Whatever I say grows.”

"My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive".

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”

"I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeast"

"I was born into the music industry. My dad worked part time in HMV"

“I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.”

"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze"

"A man goes into an office and says to the receptionist“ I’ve rung 08001630 for last three days and no one answered.” Receptionist: “Sir, they are our opening times.”

[Keith at Tregenna]

Grama's laughing out loud ·

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

[Des Taff Jenkins]

True. A few weeks ago I was in the local RSL Club when my wife spotted that I was wearing my bedroom slippers, I got roundly chastised and so I should have been. Yesterday as we were going into the Club i noticed my wife had her bedroom slippers on, I pointed down, and said, "What's this then"? She said, "My feet were sore, so there." Boy I wish I was as quick on the uptake.
Des

[Dennis McGuckin]

#3 John here we have east Indian's answering calls.
Once I said to on of them. Get me someone who speaks English.
Next voice I heard was Scottish. Nearly ask for the Indian guy. She was worse than him.

[happy daze john in oz]

We have here in Victoria a number of councils who will pass bye laws making it illegal to call any mature person an old grump, and old fart or make reference to their age.
Me, I am a 16 year old with many years of experience, even put that on forms that ask for age, no on e has ever questioned it./

[j.sabourn]

Wonder what my wife is going to say now that she cant call me a dirty old man ? JS Maybe an ageing unclean person. ?

[Graham Shaw]

We have here in Victoria a number of councils who will pass bye laws making it illegal to call any mature person an old grump, and old fart or make reference to their age.
/

That's all right John ! Fork those Victoria councils;just as long as we can all call each other that on this site then. Oops ! Sorry Doc !Laughing.gif

[Colin Wood]

Heard on the radio today, that in a few days I will no longer be a senior citizen as when I reach 85, I officially become a frail aged!! Wonder what concessions I will get. Best help I have, due to COvid, is that grog is put directly into cargo space of jam jar at Dan Murphy's.