Welcome to Australia

[gray_marian]

AUSTRALIA and AUSTRALIANS


The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many
Unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken
Out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the
Girting sea Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of
Geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving
That not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't
Spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
Continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically,
it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, odd, and sheep. It is true that of
the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
Arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes,
possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea.. Any visitors should be careful
to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before
sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this
task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants -

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's
proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent
a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in
charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account
of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat,
steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the
Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast
red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on an extended
holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by
the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person
can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their
essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their
boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely
tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up
stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the
sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish
which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous
barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and
surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with
insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look
for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of
corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that
Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz"
Or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating
thing about this is they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
Is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist
and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps.. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water
with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always
a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be
called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

They all carry a stick! My cousin sent this........He's hoping I will not visit.......
I will

[Richard Quartermaine]

Make sure you do Marion,and don't leave it too long.
Somerset Maugham wrote delightful stories quaint, hilarious, sad and very readable of the South Seas. Thankfully we had our storytellers to keep our emergence alive, especially as we emerge too far for we old hands to keep abreast of developments.
Richard.

[j.sabourn]

The Australia we knew in our early days at sea and now, even the short time I have lived out here notices the difference. People try to compare the UK with Aus. which I think is a very hard thing to do. Australia is a very young country as regards western ideals. Countries in the Middle East and others have thousands of years of history and are still living in that era. People call Aus. the lucky country, I think it was lucky because it did not have the encumberances of the social cast system of Europe to the same extent, and everyone was more so in the same boat and opportunity was there for all and not just a priviliged few. However saying that with progressive political parties trying to emulate the western world we are slowly but surely going back into that quagmire. Australia is a country in its own right and is liable to make its own laws as regards border protection If the likes of others dont like our Border protection system tuff titty its not your decision to make the same as any other laws. Europe and in particular the UK is not a good example to follow and as soon as our pollies realize this and stop pandering to others outside our borders, they might just find they may be invited to do a second term in office. However it is still a good place to come for a Holiday. Cheers JS

[j.sabourn]

The small outburst was directed at the UN human rights comments about accusing Australia of breaking the Law with detaining people at sea outside of Australian waters, the governor general wants to grant a commission of privateer in that case to the Australian Navy and would be our law. There has been more harm done to the world today listening to the so called old upper crust of society finding themselves a job, such as is the poor peoples rights. These Human Rights Lawyers want to get real and live in the real world along with their very misguided do gooders. JS

[happy daze john in oz]

So Marian you have discovered the truth oabout Oz, and not before time. we are an odd lot made up of intakes from all around the globe including UK would you believe. Perth the most isolated capital city in the world has almost as many white English as UK. We also have ****, but you can go to see your GP if you get one and he will fix you up. Drinking is a national pass time with the average consumption per capita at about 50 litres per year. Sadly there ares some who do not imbibe which means those of us who do must take in more than the obligatry 50 litres to ensure the average is maintained.
We have dunnies, wheras you may have a toilet, but in the outback they are called a long drop, and if you have ever used one you would know why.
We have crocs as big as your car, but only in the water thanfully. have both state and feral parliaments full of the most rediculous people you could ever imagine. We still have trams in Melbourne drivers that will give you a map and ask how to get to where you are going. we gamble, serious gambling to the point that the first Tuesday in November the whole nation stops to listen to a horse race and Victorians get the day off for it. We more casinos per capita than any other country, we get more adds on radio and TV for life insurance and funeral services than any other.

A great country with some great people and some odd ideas but it works for me and all the others, so if you want to see something a bit different come on down.

And if you come in September make sure you have the stick with you, it is Magpie breeding season.

[Braid Anderson]

Or bring a bigger stick, and visit PNG on the way!

[Neil Morton]

Re that comment about no class system I vouch for that in spades. Shortly after my arrival here I numbered among my new friends ; a lawyer and a barrister. a plumber, a ship's cook, an Australia Rules Footy star of the Premier League, plus an accountant and we all played golf and squash together whenever possible. Back in Blighty the ship's cook and the plumber would have been the extent of my social contacts.

Strangely though ,apart from a cheery g'day, neighbours will generally leave you alone to your suburban privacy unless invited otherwise. Whereas in my UK hometown they could not wait to get all the ins and outs of the families doing's.

Marian come to Melbourne when the football Grand Final is on to see a whole city go bonkers. Ha !

[Braid Anderson]

I'll second that also. When I emigrated to Oz I got a job with the Victorian Housing Commission (a load of bludgers if ever I met one). The contractor for the Civil works on one of the large housing developments watched me for a couple of months, before inviting me to his mansion in Brighton. In the meantime the only teabox to go missing on the ship from UK was of course the one with my diplomas, pennants from around the world, photo albums etc. He offered me the job of Project Manager on the Gold Coast Sewerage contract Stage 2, which he had just won. When I told him about my missing diplomas he waved his hand, and said he wasn't interested in 'bits of paper' but in what I could do. From then on things went by reputation and word of mouth, and nobody asked me for the missing diplomas. On one occasion I was being interviewed by a prospective employer in Brisbane, when he phoned my ex-boss in Sydney. I thought well there goes that job. When I quit the Sydney boss, I'd gone up to his office, said "Your car's downstairs, here are the keys, stick them up your a***" The Brisbane boss - after putting the phone on speaker - says "I've got Braid Anderson here applied for the job of General Manager, what's he like?" I closed my eyes, then back came the answer "He can be a prickly b****** but he'll make money for you." I got the job!

[Captain Kong]

I love being in Australia, I first went there in 1954 and have been going there ever since, 60 years.
I try to go every two years now.
I have travelled across all the deserts, visited more bush townships than I can remember,from Mount Kosciosko to the great Sandy Desert. and across the Northern Territory. Met some great people there, including our members. . Vernon in the Blue Mountains, and again in Sydney with Richard Quartermaine, Roger, John Duffy, in Melbourne with Neil Moreton, Happy Daze John, and John Sabourne in Fremantle and at his home down near Rockingham.
In `Paines Find`, population TWO, we doubled the population overnight.
Swam on Ningallo Reef with the Whale Sharks in Western Australia, swam on the Great Barrier Reef
In the NT. sat under the brilliance of the desert stars, having Damper bread and Billy tea and rump of Kangaroo that had been hit by a Road Train, and sharing a bottle of Scotch with a Stockman who was looking for a job, and ten days later bumped into him again in the desert, I had found a Station that wanted a Stockman, so told him and he got the job.
Found the Pub with No beer, at Whim Creek in NW Western Oz, `Sorry Mate, the beer trucks two weeks overdue, had a cup of tea instead. Had many adventures there, in Kings Canyon, the Rock, Alice Springs, Kalgoorlie, Esperence, The Snowy Mountains, Silverton by Broken Hill and down the Mighty Murrey River on a paddle steamer, Dampier , Headland, Surfers Paradise, the list is endless. not counting the great cities on the coast.
What a great country to live in.
It is only because of family commitments that stopped me from living there.
Hope to go again in 2014.
Good on yer mates.
Brian
. Sorry Richard missed your name out. Just added it. Cheers
Brian

[Keith Tindell]

I have no gripe re Australia, i have spent some time there, have relatives in Melbourne, and the sunshine coast, but the way i like to see OZ nowadays is from 30,000 ft on my way to New Zealand, cannot get enough of the place, particularly South Island, KT