BBQ ANYONE ?

[happy daze john in oz]

I had been considering buying a new BBQ for some time; minewas getting a bit past it.
Have you seen the catalogue for Aldi this week asked herindoors? Not yet I replied, why what has it got. That was the first mistake.
Saturday morning special she told me, four burners BBQ with a Wok burner on the side only $149, a real bargain.
I had seen some of these Saturday specials before, very goodbut limited amount, sometimes only a dozen or so. One morning I saw the managergiving out tickets to the first 20 when they had big plasma televisions on sale.
You should get down there early Saturday morning and get one while you can, great value at that price. I agreed knowing I would have to get there early. This was the second mistake.
Arriving at 0820 hours I noticed only three in front of me.An elderly gentleman at the front hanging on for grim death to his trolley,doubt he was there for the BBQ.
Then a lady with a 1 year old in the trolley hardly lookedlike BBQ seeker.
Then a family of three, mum, dad, and teenager, definitely wanting the BBQ. There she was peering in the window, saying there they are Ican see the boxes.
Wrong I thought to myself, they will not be with the normal variety items, but rather on a trolley jack not far from the storeroom entrance. There would be maybe only two such trolleys, one with the BBQ, and one with the gas fired pizza ovens on.
At 0829 I turned around to see a crowd of about 120 in the car park, all positioning themselves for the off, champing at the bit like horses awaiting the start of the grand National.
Sharp at 0830 the doors opened. The older gentleman disappeared in the rush; the guy behind me, a guy built like a brick dunny,catapulted me into the store!
Somehow I managed to hold my feet on the ground, as the rush behind became a tsunami of bodies.
The family of three turned right as soon as they got in, and all the others followed like sheep. This must have been what it was like when Moses parted the Red Sea.
I did not follow, choosing instead to where the store room entrance met with the store main floor. There stood two pallets on trolleyjacks as I thought, waiting for the onslaught.
I got to the trolley, grabbed the first box and dragged itoff the trolley. Third mistake of the morning, this thing weighs in at 49 kilos and it is recommended two handle it. I managed to drag it to the cash registerand looking back saw the carnage. Grown men and women tearing at each other in an attempt to score a prize. By the time I had paid the trolleys were empty with a hoard of customers making their way to pay.
I got out into the car park where the wife’s car was parked;do not like taking mine to the shopping centres. Fourth mistake of the morning,the boot is too small, boot of the car that is.
But as a hatch back I was able to put the back seat down andget the box in and secure the boot lid with a piece of rope.
By this time the hoards were also emerging from the store with their prizes, one guy had managed to get a BBQ and a Pizza Oven, must have had two pairs of hands.
So you got one sad her indoors when I arrived home, anygood.
You tell me, it was your idea.
When are you going to put it together, she asked?
After lunch, it will only take about an hour; a five year old could put this together.
Mistake number five, there is never a five year old around when you need one.
So, first thing is to open the box, somehow I knew I should have taken the money instead. Six plastic ties on this box, all need to be removed. Cut the first one, what the f***! Coiled like some serpent it sprung with such force that it knocked the knife from my hand. Long handles clippers for the next five. Then the plastic sealing tape, this would tie up the QueenMary it is so tough. Then the staples, the size if six inch nails. A chain saw may have been the answer to open this.
Finally get it open only to be greeted by the remains of a forest and a drum of oil. That is how much they must have used to make all the cardboard, styrene and poly bags. I got all the bits out when her indoors said,don’t forget to read the instruction book before you start, no I may wait for the movie to come out I replied.
The degree of difficulty in assembling some thing like this is directly proportional to the expertise used in translating Chinese to English, this I was to discover was Chinese to Manglish care of Mr. Woo. It has resulted in me developing at least six new swear words and a description of Mr.Woo that defies reasoning.
Mistake number six, thinking I could do this in an hour! Then reading the bit that says needs two to assemble, yea and one should either be a contortionist or a bloody octopus.
I had it half done when I realised that part A should not be fitted to part B until part D is assembled. But if I just loosen this nut herethen maybe………….. crash, now all I have is a pile of scrap metal. Back to thedrawing board only to discover the Chinese must have fingers like matchsticksto get into such small places, as well as screw drives that go around corners.
How’s it going came a voice over my shoulder. In the bloody recycling bin at this rate I replied!
Will it be ready for dinner tonight, there is some great steak in the fridge!
I could do with a great stake now to shove up the rear end of Mr. Woo.
Finally after almost three hours, the light beginning to fade, I think it is complete. But wait why do I still have four screws left over, and what is this little plastic thing for. Back to the book, no mentionof them in there!
All done, connect the gas bottle for a trail run.
We might just go out to eat tonight; the bloody gas bottle is empty.
No we are definitely no going to the Chinese restauranttonight.

[Doc Vernon]

As they say John S--- HAPPENS lol!
Those Aldi sales are a headache!
No way Hosay!
Cheers

[Lou Barron]

Isure loved your BBQ story John .When you get it ready can i come to a BBQ I will bring my own G&T

[Les Woodard]

Think I will stick with my brick one and a stainless steel plate. Know that years ago all we ever took for a BBQ was four house bricks and a steel plate. Worked bloody great so long as there was no fire restrictions.

[Keith at Tregenna]

Bar B from B & Q: Flat pack, u construct,


Bar B from B & Q:

Bar B from B & Q: Flat pack, U construct
3 hours later thank u much
think the assembly master plan,
was left out back in Japan ?

All the tools in the pack.
only guarantee: Heart attack !
my wifey says: SHE COULD HAVE DUNNIT,
Reckons would take about a minute ?

Disregard, the fact I had no plan,
ain't gonna let my Sheila be the man.
Got all the peices out in bits.
Wifey, complains, I get on her bits.

Got the cooker on the grass,
steak and prawns but no gas.
My missus not to be misgiven
had no faith, but had an oven.

So my neighbours ate for free,
apparently with no help from me.
Wired the metal to my set,
better picture i've had yet?

Bought a Bar B, not a TV,
BEST RESULTS ARE PLAIN TO SEE:
Will get her indoors to feed me.
As I watch the Grande Prix.

Shove another shrimp on the Barbi,
Feed the rellies before me.
Watching sport on the tellie,
Via B and Q TV.

K.

[Jack Jenkins]

I,ve got a mate who lives i Cairns,he,s a, self employed handyman,he makes most of his living assembling ''flat packs''

Jack