Up the wall

[happy daze john in oz]

Away for weekend of mutual consent we sat in the dining room of the Moama bowling club, over half way through our first bottle of wine waiting for our meal when the ball and chain commented that we were not the only ones waiting, many others were also getting frustrated at the slow service. Without giving it a thought I commented that maybe the kitchen was up the wall. What do you mean, up the wall, she asked, and as she did all my memories of such events came flooding back.
I know some of you served with the Lavender ladies, but for those who did not then you missed out on a real adventure. As a winger in the tourist gallop there was nothing quite like it.
It would begin sailing day, the head waiter had on the bulkhead of the dinning saloon foyer a list of the table settings settings. along side the best tables was penciled in the names of some of the wingers. when a blood came nad asked for a 'good' table he would indicate that the best were gone, but for a consideration he could most likely accommodate them. A pound note or similar would change hands and the wingers name replaced by that of the blood. Corruption in it's infancy.
If you were a 'mate' of the head waiter then you may have been lucky to get some decent bloods on your table, but if not there was every chance you would get a table of ten 'Yarpies', no offense Vernon,
For them eating was more of a sport, Olympic at that, bigger, higher, wider, more, more.
Breakfast was a nightmare most days if you had such bloods. They would arrive half asleep, been on the sauce most of the night, and were hungry. The astute winger would be aware and have placed a couple of pots of coffee on the table along with a few racks of toast. 'Would sir like a plate of steaming hot Maltabela today'?
Bacon, eggs, boiled, fried or poached sir? 'ya steward' would be all that was said so get the lot for them. trying to get the first sitting out and get ready for the second. By the time second was finished the table would look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Mad scramble to get some breakfast of your own before setting up for lunch. All this after the early morning mad hour.
0545 hours the melodious tones of the peak steward on the shake down. Reach out for the first smoke of the day, take a deep puff and lay back, wake up screaming having dozed off again. Listen to the screams of others who like you had in that slumber let the smoke drop from their fingers and it slowly burned a hole in your chest.
Early morning task, would it be a linen carry taking bags of dirty linen up to the steam queens in a laundry that would remind you of Macbeth, 'Hubble bubble toil and trouble....' or maybe a beer carry taking empties to the bowels of the ship. Then up to the second stewards office to log on and find out the next delight for the day. Mine today, scrub the foyer of the tourist lounge, ' come on lad elbow grease is what you need, make it shine, head down bum up' so much for the bloody second steward.
Done, back to the cabin, grab a towel and fight your w way through the crowds in the heads as you try to get ready for the daily onslaught.
Having set again for lunch ready for the captains inspection you would hope to get half an hour or so on deck, then back to find half your table destroyed by the chief steward who did the inspection. Not up to standard lad he would say do better next time.
The head waiter standing by the doors with a hoard of baying hounds outside waiting for the kill, well that it what it looked like. the the doors would open ands a Tsunami of bloods would flood into the saloon.
Soup, give them a bowl of soup to keep them going while you went to the hot press, 'on the fish' would be the cry as you staggered with a tray load of fish. What was it today, Haddock Orly, Grilled Kingklip, maybe fillet of sole, could be shoe sole as far as some were concerned, it all went down the same way. The race is on to get them out and get ready for second sitting, almost there when up goes the cry' up the wall'. One poor winger is in deep strife, his bloods have arrived late and he is far behind getting Edy for second sitting.
'Come on lads help out' cries the head waiter standing by the door as the awaiting crowd pace stride like baying hounds with the smell of blood in their nostrils not having eaten since their last meal. It is all go, feed them, clear away out to the pearl divers, 'whats that you say, too dirty to wash, no worries mate BOT wash up for that one' as it slides over the side.
But wait, this is only lunch, we have to do it all again tonight, more punishment. At the end of the day maybe a chance for a pint of watered down McEwans or a couple of cans of Tennats, then crash again.
Two weeks of hell and punishment outward bound, with two more homeward. But the weeks between, yes wine women and who knows what else.
Why did we do it, not for the money, pay was poor tips, what tips? If you found two Tickys under a side plate at the end of the voyage then you did well. Then to arrive home, greeted by mum, 'hello son you home again, when you going back'? Going back,whats up, rented my room out?
Going back, are we mad, but no we did go back time after time. And the sad fact is we would do it all again today given half the chance.
But for the wingers in first class none of this, no rush, maybe only six on a table. But then again those poor souls needed the time, all that make up to put on before turning to!

[Duke Drennan]

'hello son you home again, when you going back'?

How many times did all of us hear that !!
I even got a "You again" once. Luckily I borrowed a fiver and was gone the next day.

[Doc Vernon]

John
A great writeup of the things we did on the LAVENDER LADIES!
No offence taken at all mate,tht was the term used so whats in a name hey!

I really love all you exact discriptions here and gosh it again brings back floods of some good and not so good memories!

Now all i can really comment on,and i have said this before somewhere,possibly a lot of you Guys later on were unlucky as far as Tips were concerned,but for me and many othes that i worked with ,well the Tips were to us really good,and with a sitting of 2X14 in the Tourist Class Saloon i used to average from Southampton to Cape Town in th region of +- 80 TO 100 GBP for the 2Week trip,then there was the other sector from Cape Town to Durbs and Back,that wasnt too good somehow,but still got a bit there!

On the return trip from CTown to Southampton again depending on what Bloods i got,if not too many Yarpies i again collected quite a nifty packet!
A lot of my Wages i sent home to my Mother (not all the rest flused down the Toilet well not literally haha! ) and lived on the Tips! So it wasnt all that bad for me!
Was this because i was a really good Winger haha
Chers and thanks again for this good post!

[Neil Morton]

I was a tourist winger, 1st class waiter, and public room steward. I must have been pretty lousy at it Vernon 'cos I dont remember getting more than a fiver each way. I made more on the Port Line passenger cargo ships as tiger/barman.
Maybe I should have done as Lazy Days John suggested and put a little slap on the eek.

[Gordon Turnbull]

As a tourist class Bell Boy, tips were from the wingers and we did OK. Having said that, I seemed to always end up with a table of my own bloods due to shortages of wingers!!! £36 a month at the time and I used to go home with about £100 in my pocket, so not too shabby at all.

[alf corbyn]

ah john lad. what a memory to bring back. 16 bloods on the table none of whom had been waited on before, at least that is what it seemed like. where's my soup steward?, can i have some more rolls? why is he being served before me? what is this dish called and whats in it?. thats it! i've had enough i'm up the wall, i'm going out in the pantry for a smoke and calm down before i hit one of these bloody moroms. alf

[Jim Brady]

Alf,also heard many times down the tourist end in CPR "How come they've got chips over there and they're not on the menu".People in the UK then had never heard of french fries.
Yes many a waiter has been glad of a hand from the bellboy to get him down from being "Up The Wall"maybe it was just to clear his dummy,many times it was to nip out into the kitchen and get something for him that he had forgotten.When I was in the 1st class in CPR I used to go up early go to the bakers shop collect the bread rolls and put them on all the side plates in the restaurant,lunch and dinner,this saved the waiters the chore.I always also made their Cona's for them,towards the end of the meal they would give me a wave point to their Cona,this also saved them quite a bit of time.Also helped out during the meal.For my trouble the Crockery Man (All waiters had a side job)would get a menu enter all waiters names on same and proceed to colllect either 10 Bob 1$US or 1$ Can.for the bellboy.That was both ways Montreal and L'pool.I was getting more off that than my £12.26pm wages.The list of who paid was given to me so I could see who did'nt pay,many apologies from waiters "sorry bells had a bad show" .If they had to many "bad Shows" they would'nt be given priority in future.
Maybe one of us should start off a thread "The Money Go Round" those in direct contact with the passengers did'nt get to keep it all to themselves.I would say the "Gloryhole Steward" must've been a leading contender for the most backhanders.What would he have a hundred bunks?not many escaped him so say £90.00 every 17 days,some money ay!! Did somebody call him the Peak Steward?
Regards.
Jim.B.

[alf corbyn]

hi jim. that is a good idea."money go round" it was assumed that what the a/s got from his bloods was his. he had to pay the platemen,pantrymen, who had to pay the assistant pantrymen, the galley(kitchen) staff bakers, chefs, porters who cleaned the trays and utensils. most of these also had to pay thier assistants. bedroom stewards also had to pay kitchen staff for meals sent up to cabins. yes it was a long list, hence my slogan backshees runs the world. it also ran the ship. alf