Aussie Airline

[Frederick Lacey]

I'm surprised you Aussies are letting them get away with this, but there again It's happening all over the world, in the paper today.

PORK has been banned from the menu on Qantas flights to and from Europe because of its new partnership with Middle Eastern
airline Emirates.
No food containing the meat will be served on those flights - which now stop over in Dubai - because it is strictly forbidden under *****.
All meals will also be prepared without alcohol in keeping with the religion.
The Australian airline has also introduced a mezze plate offering traditional Middle Eastern fare in its upper classes and has
Arabic translations after in-flight announcements.
A Qantas spokesman said the decision to remove pork, ham and other related food items had had minimal impact on its menu
and it was still offering the same meal choices.


No more bacon butties, that's terrible.

Fred.

[Evan Lewis]

Wot! No Prayer mats!

[Bill Bland]

Wot! No Prayer mats!

Only on request.

[Keith at Tregenna]

Australian Airline Announcements:

I am told that these are genuine flight announcements. As usual, you decide:

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airways."

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite bumpy and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. " He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.


Qantas:

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

K.

[Captain Kong]

This the thin edge of the wedge, there is more to come, be aware, be very aware.
es salaam u-alakum
Brian

[John Gill]

see you've been chatting to the neighbours again Kong.

[cappy]

no bog rolls but little tin cans will be issued don't forget to shake hands with all and sundry regards cappy

[Captain Kong]

They will be having two foot prints and a hole in the floor next for the toilets. make them feel at home.
Es salaam
Brian.

[Captain Kong]

Wjile we are on that subject...........
did any one see the Topless Jihad in every capital city in europe except the UK.
a girl, from Tunisia has been sentenced to be Stoned to Death for exposing her body on the internet. So FEMEN an organiation of free ****** Ladies have protested topless in front of every Mosque in Stockholme, Paris, Brussels Ukraine, Italy, Berlin and so on but not in England.
on , ATLANTIC in google news. Photos of young ladies all topless with slogans painted on their breasts in seafaring language, leaping about on the steps of the Grand Mosques.
.
.
Femen Stages a 'Topless Jihad' Politics

Email Femen Stages a 'Topless Jihad'
Apr 4, 2013 | Earlier today, members of Ukrainian feminist group Femen staged protests across Europe as they called for a "topless jihad." The demonstrations were in support of a young Tunisian activist named Amina Tyler. Last month, Tyler posted naked images of herself online, with the words "I own my body; it's not the source of anyone's honor" written on her bare chest. The head of Tunisia's "Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice," reportedly called for Tyler to be stoned to death for her putatively obscene actions, lest they lead to an epidemic. Tyler has since gone quiet, leading some to fear for her safety. Below are images from Femen's protests today in Sweden, Italy, Ukraine, Belgium, and France. A warning, nearly every photo depicts nudity, and most contain offensive language. [31 photos]

[Doc Vernon]

Thanks Capt
But where are the Nudies! haha!
Cheers

A warning, nearly every photo depicts nudity, and most contain offensive language. [31 photos]

I dont see even one mate! LOL!

Found a tit of a Video on all that ! haha!