Life in the Australian Army

[Doc Vernon]

With thanks from John Wallace! This is good!


Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )






Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's a--e and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[Tony Wilding]

just brilliant.

[alf corbyn]

hey vernon. i didn't think you aussies believed anything the kiwi's said. i must be wrong.

[Russ Kennedy]

Brilliant, Vernon, best laugh I've had all week
Regards Russ.
PS My brother Joined the Australian Army in 1950...... sounds like it's changed a bit since then......

[Richard Quartermaine]

That is so good Vernon. I have sent it to Chris, my army grandson in Darwin who is due to come down for Christmas for a couple of weeks before he is to be posted to 'Who Knows Where'.
Thanks.
Richard Q

[Red Lead Ted]

The OZ Customs, Have seized a large quantity of drugs smuggled from China hidden in machinery. Advice, Clean the stuff up don't burn it give it to the druggies for free in a controlled environment, Cut out the middle man {DEALER} Your crime figures as in Theft ,Muggings, Burglary, Armed robbery. Will plummet overnight these drug addicts are going to take it by whatever means put the dealers out of work give it out for free which has been a success in Switzerland Regards Terry.

[stewart morrison]

Loved the unexpected punchline Vernon, cheers

[Captain Kong]

I knew a girl in Sydney just like that Army Girl.
She filled in and dropped three firemen in the allyway on the SUEVIC in 1955, who were trying to get into my cabin when she was in bed with me, then she locked the door and climbed back in bed.
She was called Kanimbla, after the Ship that ran from Sydney to Fremantle.
Hard case woman but with a big heart.
Cheers
Brian.

[Richard Quartermaine]

Kanimbla, Brian. To have a name like that she had to be someone special. The Kanimbla was a lovely ship and my father-in-law used to do the winter trips up to Cairns because he originally came from North Queensland. She did the Fremantle run in the summer. Here is a link to her war history - HMAS Kanimbla (F23) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. I can see the Kanimbla Valley from our house in Katoomba and it would only be a fifteen minute drive from Doc Vernon's house.

And as for Kanimbla, the lady, this could be appropriate:

THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE!
When your famous Uncle Willie
Kept his horses at Chantilly
Back in 1863 - or was it 4?
When he won the French Grand Prix
He presented it to me
They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore!

When your father Johnny Barlow
Broke the bank at Monte Carlo
He had half a million francs behind the door
Which he kept for ducks and drakes
On the North Italian Lakes!
They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore!

In those days, men gave orchids by the dozen
Today, they think forget-me-nots will do ..........

I remember Cuthbert Senior
Used to sport a white gardenia
In his dove-grey morning coat he always wore
With his debonaire top hat ...
And a pearl in his cravat
They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore!

V. Brief Musicale Interlude

When your Great Aunt Lady Dinah
Was collecting plants in China
She was shot at in the Yellow River War
She ran up the Union Jack
And then started firing back!
They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore!

My first cousin General Perry
Who adored young Ellen Terry
One night ordered, at the old Lyceum stage door
The whole blinking Coldstream Band
To escort her down the Strand
They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore!

You may think that I am hopelessly nostalgic
Forgive me, but perhaps one day you'll see
You will find as you grow older, that the world's a little colder
And it's lost the magic that it had before
Just remember that, I pray
When they say of you one day
They Don't Make Them Like That Anymore!
****************************
We are a lot of nostalgic old b*ggers, aren't we? Richard Q

[Neil Morton]

Many thanks Doc Vernon for that reminder of an Australia that's disappearing fast. The punch line is a BEWDY !!