Danger in the Garden

[Charlie Hannah]

The only dangerous thing in my garden is getting a bad back.
.
So I let HER do the gardening.
Brian.

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

[Neil Morton]

Hello chaps and chapesses. Gardening now there is a thing. Having been raised in flats as a young 'un, I never got to grips with it, and of course at sea apart from the occasional hofficer with a pot plant completely ignored the concept. We actually had gardening lessons in school but I woke up when all the produce ended up in the teacher's rec room. Me mum got nuffin.
Now however I am with Louis and love it. Mind you it was only due to buying this house a few years after retirement. The previous owner was a lot like me come the garden, that's to say; "far to busy ". Only last Friday I saw a tele show that informed me that sulphate of potash around my tomatoes will be benificial. Tell you what folks what with all the wet - a - soil, blood and bone, potash etc the old Grosse Lisse will be champion this year. Gloves and a mask and a big 'at to keep the sun orf and I'm as happy as a sandboy, as my old mum used to say.

[John Arton]

As a cadet on one of the forest product ships of CP, the captain was a bit of a strange guy who decied that he would like a garden on the deck outside his cabin, so I was given the task of creating it for him. As we had lots of timber on board (full deck cargo of sawn timber every trip, strange how the odd plank or two never reached its destination) I built a boxed in area just outside his cabin and then when we were in Harmac (B.C.) I spent the day lugging buckets of soil from an open area just off the pier, filling in my raised beds. After I had finished it was then that I discovered that it was true "there are bears in them there woods" as a bloody great bear came wandering out of the woods just in the area where I had been digging for soil.
The next day the captain insisted I accompany him to a local nursery where he would buy the plants for his garden.
When we got to the nursery he gave me $20 and told me to go off and get myself a burger and coke whilst he shopped for plants. (told you he was a bit strange). That 20 bucks brought me a fair amount of beer in the local pub, despite me being underage.
We eventually got back to the ship in the early evening much to the disgust of the mate and other cadet as they reckoned I had benn skivving off for the last couple of days, but hey it had all been at the captains orders so who was I to refuse!
We eventually sailed after loading round the B.C. coast and by this time the Captains garden was looking pretty good and he was tending it daily. Only problem was he had got the wrong side of the deck crew by cutting the overtime so when we eventually finished loading and sailed from our last port, the next day the mate tasked the deck crowd with the job of washing sown the accommodation block what did they do but, using fire hoses to wash down the decks, washed away the captains garden by "mistake", or so they claimed.
On another ship when I was 2nd mate we were taking a new build out of B&W in Copenhagen and the mate collected all the polystyrene packing from around all the new electronic gear that had been delivered and used them as seed trays. He had the deck office covered in them and planted tomatoes, carrots, etc. plus flowers in them from seeds and compost he had brought in Copenhagen. Maiden voyage was to Brazil so by the time we arrived there the Office was a greenhouse full of fledgling flowers and we were almost ready to enjoy his first crop of freshly grown vegetables. The Captain was quite proud of his green fingered mate so he blithly signed all the stores request that the mate had made up for local supply in Brazil. He was not too happy though when the invoices came on board and found that he had signed for $10000 of deck stores on a brand new ship 20 odd days out of the yard. Amongst the stores the mate had ordered was a load of very nice brazilian hardwood planks which when he queried the mate as to why he had ordered them, was told that they were for gratings for mooring ropes to protect them from lying on steel decks when wet so they would dry properly. This seemed to satisfy him until one morning a few days after we had sailed from Brazil on passage to Japan, he accompanied me up to the bridge for the start of my midday watch where we were met by a frantic 3rd mate who had had a terrible watch trying to figure out where all the hammering,flapping and crackling noises were coming from, making it almost impossible to hear anything on the beridge. The Captain and myself started investigating and eventually traced the source of the noise to the monkey island where we found the mate putting the finishing touches to his wooden green house built with all that expensive Brazilian timber and covered in heavy plastic sheeting that again had been ordered by the mate supposodly for cargo seperation (though what cargo seperation we were going to be doing on a Panamax bulker carrying iron ore and coal beat me and the Captain). No mooring rope gratings had been made as all the timber had gone on his green house. Captain was not a happy chappy despite the mate trying to persuade him he could grow lots more veg. in his green house, thus saving the Chief Steward the need to rder as much vegatables at storing time and so the mate with his green house would actually save the company money!! This arguement did not sit too well with the captain as he rightly pointed out to the mate who the bleddy heck was going to tend the green house after the mate paid off and asking the company to make sure that any relief for the mate they sent out would be equally green fingered would not endear him to the personnel dept. (myself I thought that had he done so it would have only confirmed the widely held view in the Company) that this Captain was a bit of an odd ball).
Anyway down came the green house and eventually we did end up with some very nice wooden gratings for the mooring ropes. The mate though got in a right huff and tossed all his crop of veg etc. in the office over the side along with all his seeds, compost and polystyrene seed trays...no home grown veg. for us then.
rgds
JA

[David Williams]

Hi Charles.
You " HAVE BEEN WARNED".

Dave Williams

[Colin Hawken]

Easier to concrete the garden over and then go to the Pub. I live in a flat 13 stories up so don't have a garden.Got a good local Pub though. I sit and listen to the guys in there talking about all the things they have and do in their Gardens. I'm sure they are b*********ng.They couldn't do all that and still have time to go to the Pub.

[Lou Barron]

First of all the answer to John inCebu . We do have three poisonous spiders inNZ the Katipo .Red Back and White tail but not that many people get bitten .As for having a concrete garden i suppose it as its points but i think there is nothing better than sitting out on the lawn with a bbq going and plenty of nice cold beer

[happy daze john in oz]

I bought her indoors a new lawn mower, a chain saw, and some hedge clippers. Then she tells me sh wats to move to a place with a samller garden. That was a few years ago, the drought came, the lawn went replaced with pavers, stones and suculents. Got a fair price for the tools though.