Customer Helpline

[Hugh Ferrier]

This is a true story from a well known Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitored at the customer care department.

"Computer Helpline, how may I help you?"
"I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with a screen that looks like a TV".
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off. The only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."
"A power failure? Aha ... okay, I think we've got it licked now."

"Do you still have the manuals, boxes and packing stuff that your computer came in?"
"Well yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go and get them. Unplug your system and pack it all up, just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well all right then, I suppose. But what do I tell them at the store?"

"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

[Colin Hawken]

They walk among us and they have a vote. Scary isn't it?