Ther Gospel according to Jack

[Bill Cameron]

The Gospel of the Birth of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ according to Jack
It was the middle watch, and Gabriel, the Arch-Sky Pilot, the Maker’s Rep-in-Chief, appeared to a young woman called Mary, who was about to get spliced to her hubby-to-be Joseph, a chippy from Nazareth.
“Belay your zeds, young Mary!” said the Sky Pilot, “You’re still in Mushroom Troop, but I’ve heard a buzz, direct from Rumour Central, and it’s a gen dit: you, shipmate, are up the duff… And when the ankle biter’s born, you’ll call him Jesus, for he will be a hoofing bloke.”
But Mary replied, “You’re giving me a crock of sh…ampoo! You must be Dagenham Dave – one stop short of Barking, for I have not yet received swollen property…”
“Don’t be a big girl’s blouse,” replied Gabriel. “Safeguard – you’ve been pinged to be the mother of the Old Man’s ankle-snapper, the God Sprog.”
At this Mary was mighty chuffed. “Affirmative!” she said.
And so the keel was laid…..
…Nine months later came the launching.
Mary and Joseph set sail for Bethlehem, and because there was not a single spare pit onboard, the rug rat was born in a stable, and was racked out where the oxen have their scran.
That night, out in the cuds, it was the morning watch, at sparrow o’clock, and the Arch-Sky Pilot Gabriel appeared to a bunch of old and bold shepherds, kip-merchants, who were cracking out some zeds.
“Shake a leg !” cried Gabriel, “This is your call to hands, so get turned to! I’m giving you the heads-up: in Bethlehem, racked out amongst the cattle scran, you’ll find a carpet-crawler, the God Sprog no less.”
But the shepherds were cream crackered, and hacked off at this embuggerment of their zeds.
“Hold on shipmate,” they said, “You’re spinning us a gash dit. You must be harpic – clean round the bend.”
“Wind your necks in, shipmates!” said Gabriel, “and button your flap. I’m not swinging the lamp. Quit yer yammering and man up – I’m not seeing you off, you’ve dipped in! You’ve been pinged to go see this rug rat, so muster both watches and close up: go take a butchers at this ankle-biter in Bethlehem, and set to at the double: make speed, like a bunch of one-armed paperhangers.”
So, with the heavenly dinger Bells ringing in their ears, the shepherds cracked on, and bimbled off to Bethlehem on an Aggie Weston heading, along dusty Rhodes and shady Lanes, across pony Moores and a swampy Marsh, through timber Woods and beside sandy Shaws, following the shiner Light in the dolly Grey sky, all the while getting more and more thredders and Harry flakers…and dripping endlessly about the wacker Paynes in their feet.
And when they got to Bethlehem and found the stable, they looked through the cattle scran, and sure enough there was the ankle snapper, just as the sky pilot had briefed them.
And there was a sudden outbreak of morale!
And the shepherds, being matelots at heart, wet the baby’s head with a tot or six of Nelson’s blood…
Here ends the Gospel according to Jack.

[j.sabourn]

If you have ever studied the famous picture I think by Michaelango of the last supper there seems to be one of the participants looks very much like a woman. So maybe old Michaelanglio had his own thought on the subject. The New Testament also needs a lot of explaining in their describing a virgin birth on quite a few aspects. Jesus had an older brother James for starters. But like all folklore the story gets distorted by every generation. The symbolic meaning is there and for the past 2000 years Christianity has based its teachings and laws on such. Although today people continue to grow further and further away from morals of the past. Cheers and a happy new year. Which is 2018 only in the Christian calendar. JS.

[robpage]

If you get the Jeremy Kyle programme on Australian TV you'll have to start to believe in virgin birth because after they've done the DNA test on half a dozen potential fathers and proving that it wasn't them the mother invariably turns around and goes I wonder who it was then . They are definitely the only six blokes I slept with that week . So there you are post Millennium virgin birth still happens

[j.sabourn]

That just leaves the Holy Ghost And the Liverpool man Rob. A very long shot would be the 134 year old flasher, still waiting for his trial. Cheers JWS.

[robpage]

If he does confessions on Jeremy Kyle then it could be a very long program you have to start with Scary Mary from Whitley Bay several women in kiwi a few Aussie Sheilas , and I don't know o without any confessions of what he did in Cape Town yet

[Ivan Cloherty]

A very long shot would be the 134 year old flasher, still waiting for his trial. Cheers JWS.

Brings a whole new meaning to 'Fleetwood Mac'

[Captain Kong]

I am saying NOTHING.

[cappy]

##a story going around shields a few years ago of a girl more than plump and definetely no oil painting was arguing for a single persons flat in the council housing dept .....the official asked does the father of the child pay towards its keep ...the girl replied i dont know who the father is .....how is that said the oficial ......well said the girl i was at the xmas party .....had a canny drink ...felt a bit woozy so went and lifted up the window to get some fresh air ......some barsteward pulled the window down on my neck ......pulled down me drawers and gave me one ........and none of the barstewards will own up to it

[thomas michael]

##a story going around shields a few years ago of a girl more than plump and definetely no oil painting was arguing for a single persons flat in the council housing dept .....the official asked does the father of the child pay towards its keep ...the girl replied i dont know who the father is .....how is that said the oficial ......well said the girl i was at the xmas party .....had a canny drink ...felt a bit woozy so went and lifted up the window to get some fresh air ......some barsteward pulled the window down on my neck ......pulled down me drawers and gave me one ........and none of the barstewards will own up to it

hi cappy
a true xmass tale of cheer to all men. A good friend of mine always used the saying that when he got home from this trip if his wifes wasn't like a mouses earhole there would be trouble.
tom

[j.sabourn]

Taken from that famous show the Muppets.- The two old characters sitting in the box seats.
First one to the other... you know why Miss Piggy can’t count to 70?
Second one...She gets to 69 and she has a Frog in her throat.
JS