Quotes from Personnel Reports.

[j.sabourn]

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot .
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy-he runs around excitedly leaving little messes for other people to clear up.
5. This officer is really not so much of a has been , more of a definitely wont be.
6. When she opens her mouth , it seems to only change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine.
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10 Technically sound , but socially impossible.
11 The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12 When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny;since then he has aged considerably.

JS

[j.sabourn]

Continuation..#1
13. The medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port , and my officers to carry him bar to bar.
14 This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope , always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere
15 Since my last report he has reached rock bottom , and has started to dig.
16 She sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17 He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
18 This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship
21 Couldn"t organise a woodpeckers picnic in Sherwood forest.
22 Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24 Gates are down, the lights are flashing , but the train isn"t coming.
25 Has 2 brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26 If he were anymore stupid , he"d have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasnt looking.
28 If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29 Its hard to believe he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ
31 Got a full 6 pack , but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
32 A gross ignoramus , 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
33 He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34 He has been working with glue too long
35 When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell
36 This man hasn"t enough grey matter to sole the flip flop of a one legged budgie.
37 If two people are talking , and one looks bored, he"s the other one.
38 One celled organisms would outscore him in an IQ test
39 He donated his body to science before he was done using it
40. He"s so dense light bends around him.

JS

[j.sabourn]

And....
41 Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
42 If brains were taxed , he"d get a rebate.
43 Some drink from the fountain of knowledge ,he only gargled
44 Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 minutes
45 Wheel is turning , but the hamster is long gone.

JS

[happy daze john in oz]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a pub in Dublin. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to the people sitting at the bar and asks “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down the end of the bar an old owl-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around to them all revealing the same hairy armpit again and asks “What man will buy a lady a drink?” Once again the same little old drunk slams his money down and says “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender approaches the little old drunk and says “Tell me Paddy, it’s your own business if you want to buy a lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

The drunk replies “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

[Keith Adams]

Hi John in OZ. You really got away with one there ! Didn’t get the whole joke at first as i was laughing so much, but saw the rest soon after. Am still laughing ! My wife thinks i am weird reading this stuff instead of watching TV ! Cheers, Keith Adams

[happy daze john in oz]

There once was a female I knew with legs so long she could break your back, but that is a story for another day.