advice for pensioners

[john sutton]

Does this expose the Rest Home “Rip-offs” or what???

It’s American of course!

No NURSING HOME FOR me!!!

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.


I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.


Image removed by sender. Image removed by sender.$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.


It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.


The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . .. .. or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.


The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin. AIDS WARNING!


To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)


Image removed by sender. Image removed by sender.
I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends. I love to see you smile.

[vic mcclymont]

There was an old dear who worked out it was cheaper to book a year on the QE2 than go into a rest home/ nursing home.
She even had dispensation for her family to come onboard in New York.
When the QE2 dry docked she was booked into a hotel by Cunard.

[gray_marian]

#2, That sounds delightful Vic. I'll opt for your version and send my hubby on John's

[vic mcclymont]

Hi Marion,
She booked for a full year and received massive discounts.
She travelled this way for years and refused to move when the first of the new Queens was launched.
She regarded the crew as her family.
What a way to travel.
Vic

[happy daze john in oz]

On this last cruise we had a couple in their late 70's but very fit dancers who had done 65 cruises on this ship. They liove in Sydney and the ship is only in Oz waters from October to April, they only travel from Sydney. Next season, 2015, will be her last sailing from Oz as a new and bigger ship will replace her and she will go to Europe. The couple are devastated stating that to them the ship is home. When we paid off they were about to begin their third consecuitive cruise on her.

[Charlie Hannah]

Robert's Wedding
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . ..
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old,
Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[cappy]

the old army major maries a very posh bird on the first night heapproaches her boudwoir and gently nocks ....its the major he calls oh dearest ses she ive just put my mudpack on my face please wait till manyana .......sheepishly the major goes back to his own room ......the 2nd night the major nocks on the door hello my love its me the major .....comes the reply oh major dearst it my pereiod call another night ...jesus the major thinks ....waits a few nights nocks boldly on the door......answer major ive atouch of diarreah.......a mighty crash follows the major bursts into the room and shouts ........mud blood or shite the major rides tonite

[happy daze john in oz]

the old army major maries a very posh bird on the first night heapproaches her boudwoir and gently nocks ....its the major he calls oh dearest ses she ive just put my mudpack on my face please wait till manyana .......sheepishly the major goes back to his own room ......the 2nd night the major nocks on the door hello my love its me the major .....comes the reply oh major dearst it my pereiod call another night ...jesus the major thinks ....waits a few nights nocks boldly on the door......answer major ive atouch of diarreah.......a mighty crash follows the major bursts into the room and shouts ........mud blood or shite the major rides tonite

have been worse, Phyaria for instance!

[john sutton]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained

consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge

pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and

everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't

find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “you have a $10,000 in insurance

compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this

is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher

before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a

nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she

might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you

make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Captain Kong]

There was an old dear who worked out it was cheaper to book a year on the QE2 than go into a rest home/ nursing home.
She even had dispensation for her family to come onboard in New York.
When the QE2 dry docked she was booked into a hotel by Cunard.
.
. Hi Vic,
the lady was Mrs Beatrice Mueller, She had a permanent home on the QE2.
met her several times at cocktail parties over the years. She was doing a cruise with her husband and he died on board.
She decided that it was cheaper to stay on the ship than to go into a retirement home.
She had an inside cabin, the cheap ones, with a few of her own personal nick nacks around the cabin.
She had done a long term deal with Cunard so the cost was cheaper, a cabin occupied for a year is better than a cabin empty for half a year.
Every year when the QE2 went into dry dock in Hamburg , Cunard put her up in the Dorchester in London at no extra charge.
Her sons and daughters used to do cruises on QE2 so they could see her regularly.
She was quite a celebrity and was always invited to all the private cocktail parties with the Captain and other celebs.
She was always a popular Bridge Player and always had a big circle of friends who cruised regular on QE2.
When the QE2 was disposed of at the end of 2008, I heard she had been transferred to Queen Mary 2,
It was a good idea for her, has the finest goumet meals in the restaurant or in her cabin with room service, Entertainment every night in the theatre and in the dancing with `Gentlemen Hosts`, sees a different part of the world everyday, never short of friends, has her cabin cleaned daily and her laundry done,
No Gas bills, No Electric Bills, No Council Tax. Everyone buys her a drink so no bar bill. No house repairs to have done.and many other benefits,
She has a wonderful way of life.
I have considered doing it myself.
Cheers
Brian.