Is this you

[happy daze john in oz]

it!...it will never grow old... I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain <><> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; And to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns <><> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year - Victor Borge <><> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, You'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine <><> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields <><> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller <><> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door. ReplyReply allForward

[Johnny Kieran]

Brilliant quotes

[happy daze john in oz]

SKILLS FOR SENIORS

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat possums who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed.
We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only seen one copy?

The Commandments for Seniors……

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

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[j.sabourn]

Here’s one John I’ve just made up, If you knew Lucy like I knew Lucy, then you should be seeing your doctor. Oh ! What a girl indeed ! JS

[Marian Gray]

#1, Good ones John, even some new ones which I've copied of course Keep them coming please.

[Johnny Kieran]

Great stuff

[happy daze john in oz]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single, and
#2, you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

[j.sabourn]

Another old one about nuns . The mother superior gets all the nuns together and says sisters i must tell you..we have a case of VD in the nunnery, oh goodee Goodee squeals the novice, I was getting sick of that Chardonnay.jS