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Thread: A bloody good read

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    Default A bloody good read

    We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet. Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.



    We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you are, we are Australian! P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Keith at Tregenna's Avatar
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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    As long as you are happy.

    K.

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Dispense with the euphemisms John and tell us what you really think.
    Duke Drennan R809731

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Hi John.
    All that and I still haven't tasted Roo meat yet. But! Ive driven a Holden car.
    Des
    Last edited by Des Taff Jenkins; 21st July 2020 at 01:52 AM.
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    Lest We Forget

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Duke, what do I think,.
    Well she is a bloody big land, room for all.
    It gets hot and cold, we have droughts that last for years, bush fires that destroy areas the size of some EU countries.
    You can be who you want to be, wear what you like, where else could you go to a wedding in shorts and thongs, walk down the street in bare feet with just a pair of shorts on.
    No one would look sideways at you, get pulled over by the Police and say 'hello mate what you pulling me for'?
    Should have come over here long before we did.

    The beer is bonzer, the shelias are so good to look at, the feeding is great and why would I want to live anywhere else?

    There is room for plenty more, so com eon over only 24 hours by plane now.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Quote Originally Posted by happy daze john in oz View Post
    There is room for plenty more, so com eon over only 24 hours by plane now.
    Too old now John to learn Chinese, will have to stay where I am

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    I regret John that I only ever did one trip to Oz on a Salvesen tramp, Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne. Never had an impulse to jump ship though and not because I wasn’t impressed, it was just that I was enjoying the voyage on the Salvada. We left Melbourne and through the Cook Straits and over to Chimbote in Peru.
    Although I never made it to NZ either, a funny story remains in my memory about there. A couple of years after leaving the boats, I stumbled on my cabin mate from the Salvada who had also come ashore. Funnily enough, we were both working as riggers. So the story goes that John, my ex- crew-mate hadn’t married and had continued to travel albeit on a tourist basis. He went on to tell me that he’d gone on holiday to NZ. I was surprised to hear this given the distance from the U.K. and asked him how long he’d stayed there. He told me that he had arrived one day and returned the next. Shocked, I asked him why, “ It was shut” he said. At the risk of downplaying the many wonders and beauty of NZ, I had to admit that his black satire made me laugh. No offense to those living there remembering that the comment came from a Glaswegian.
    It would be worth mentioning as well of the trip through the Cook Straits on that voyage. I happened to be on the wheel as we approached the Straits and heading into a sizable swell. She was taking quite a bit of wheel when the Old Man, leaning against the bridge window, turned round and said to me, “ Just keep her in the middle son”. At around 18 years old, I felt quite chuffed to have, what could be called a free hand to navigate the passage on my own. Maybe nothing to others but the experience lived with me for a long time.
    Duke Drennan R809731

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Like said by John
    Aussie is one great place to live, and i only wish that i had come over earlier when i first applied in about 1968 when we were then just two Years Married. Changed my mind at the time ,as i thought that i was on a good wicket where i then worked,just had a promotion etc.
    However it was not all that i expected in the long run,so just plodded on.
    But then when the Wife's Parents came over here on a Holiday ,after returning to Durbs the old Man could not talk enough of Aussie.
    They were back in Durbs only a Year when he decided to take the plunge , with the two youngest then and head on over!

    Irenes Sister had already come over just after i had first applied,so she was the Anchor so to speak.
    She was doing so well here then too.
    So that made me think again,and once again i applied to Migrate to this Wonderful Land!
    Was accepted and it was only three Months later that we jumped on that South African Airways Flight bound for the Land of Milk and Honey!

    It was a big move with two youngsters ,but with determination we made it ,settled in and battled a bit to start with.
    Was lucky to both land Jobs within days of being here,so that was great!

    Never looked back ,and although i did and still do miss my Homeland, i would never think of returning to live there again. Been back 4 times since for Holidays mainly also to see my dear Sister, as my Brother and both Parents are now gone.

    Aussie had given us much to be thankful for , with hard graft at times but always with good mates at various places of Work, we both made it.

    Got no debts, Money in the Bank what more could one want!

    Yes Aussie is the place to be for sure!

    Would have also liked to Migrate to the UK at one stage but must now say that i am glad that i never went down that road! Naught wrong as i see it, but i think my choice was the best!
    Cheers

    Motto Who Dares Wins!!
    Last edited by Doc Vernon; 22nd July 2020 at 06:24 AM.
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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Yes, still is the land of milk and honey for those prepared to do a good days work, bludgers not welcome.

    Yes Duke, I can understand what he said, back in 64 when I came here on the Paparoa one could easily think the place was closed, six o'clock swill was enough to confirm that.

    But we have progressed and we have been back to UK on a number of occasions.
    I went 18 years without a trip back though the wife had made a few on her own.

    It was a massive culture shock when I saw how it had changed, all places do over time but this was too much.
    London, the city I grew up in was nothing like I knew it.

    Oz has been good to us, we arrived on a Sunday, by Friday the wife was working and I was a couple of weeks later.
    Money was good, we built three houses and now live on our superannuation, and other pensions.
    I doubt had we stayed in UK we would be doping as well as we are now.
    Two cruises a year, when things are normal, no debts and plenty of cold beer in the fridge.

    Sun is over the yard arm somewhere in the world so kit must be time for a cold one.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: A bloody good read

    Same story in Canada John,
    When I came here in 69, was told.
    We work hard and we play hard.
    Do that and you will have a good life here.
    So true.
    Sadly, some people these days don't want to do the 'Work hard' bit.
    Den,

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