Ever made a fool of yourself

[Red Lead Ted]

Took the misses out for a breath of fresh air yesterday as she hasn't been too good and awaiting a heart scan, Come on I said lets go for a slow walk around Moor Lane, a nice little shopping area in Crosby just down the road from me. Weather on Merseyside was gorgeous yesterday walks into Sainsburys I like there stuff always have, Walking around I soon noticed that everything had been moved around I said to the wife why have they got to do this we don't know where to look for anything, With that I spotted one of there guys taking stuff off a shelf into a basket blue coat etc.......... AYE , AYE, LAD, Why have you moved the fresh kippers again where have you landed them now !!!!!!!!!! I enjoy them myself he said but I haven't landed them in years, WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! As he turned around he was wearing a big blue coat with P@O Ferries on the front, R, A, Mate I am sorry.............The 3 of us ended up laughing our bloody heads off lucky enough he saw the funny side of it. Done the wife the world of good at least you were laughing I said. Terry.

[John Arton]

On a bulk carrier getting ready to load grain in New Orleans. Hatches were in such a state that we required shore labour to assist.
They turned up and it appeared that someone had just shouted into the nearest bar "anyone fancy a job" and they had all piled out. They looked like a bunch of hells angels and amongst them were: a one armed man with only one eye and 5 women.
Within minutes of being on board they were going at the cleaning job hammer and tongs, swarming up sounding pipes to access lumps of iron ore stuck 50 ft. off the tank top and firing a shotgun at rust scale that was inaccessible.
They were staying on board until the job was finished with food being brought out to them from the shore and when they were not working they were dossing down in the hospital {which they left spotless upon completion of the work}
Seeing how they were all dossing down together I approached the women and, thinking that I was doing the kind gentlemanly thing, asked the women if they would like a cabin to themselves. The conversation went something like this.
Me.. would you ladies like a cabin to yourselves
Them... why?
me... well you may want some privacy when you are cleaning up or sleeping
them... why do you think we are dirty?
me .... no I just thought you would want some privacy for yourselves
them .... why, do you want to f**k us?
me ... no certainly not!!! I have my wife on board
them ..... so you don't think we are good enough to f**k?
me .... no I don't think that
them .... You gay or something?
me .... {retreating hastily}, No I am not gay, ask my wife
them ..... {to my departing back}, goddam limeys, they are all weird or gay.

For the next two days when I went on deck and down holds to check on their work I used to get strange looks and muttered comments about my sexuality and penchant for dirty women.

rgds
JA

[gray_marian]

Yes frequently.......on here,: thankfully it's ignored...I think

Aged 15, my sister asked me to call Directory EQ's for the Irish Airline number of Aer Fungus, 'are you sure' says I?....... family never let me forget it

[happy daze john in oz]

The day my wife got married, we were kneeling at the alter with the priest doing his thing and I could hear a little laughter behind.
I was only later in the day when I discovered my best man had written in white paint on he instep of my new shoes, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[j.sabourn]

Fell into a bath at a party at a friends house, fortuanetly the bath was empty, had to have help to get out of. Compounded the incident by knocking their grandfather clock down a flight of stairs. Wife said she had never been so embarassed in her life. Said when I sobered up she hadn't seen anything yet. However that was in the UK, not too many friends live in two storied houses here so no danger of falling down them. Cheers JS

[John Arton]

Yet another of my many embarrassing moments.
I was mate and the captain was the dullest person you could ever hope to meet. He was pretty hopeless in any sort of company so it was left to me to do all the entertaining of charter's reps. etc.
Getting any conversation out of him was akin to getting blood out of a stone and when you could get anything out of him it invariably revolved around how his home life was ruled by the females in home, even the dog was a female that used to corral him in a corner if he objected to any of his wife's ruling, the dog being a small terrier by the way.
Any way, one Sunday after the march of the unemployed {Master's inspection to give its correct name}, We were in his cabin for lunch time refreshment and we were all desperately trying to introduce some topic of conversation that would engage him. Spotting a photograph of a well built person on his desk, I innocently said to him that I did not know he had a grown up son and what a fine looking lad he was.
His reply stunned me and made me wish that the ground could open up and swallow me.
His exact words were
" I do not have a son, that is my wife"
The lady in question must have been the most butch looking women you could imagine and it became immediately apparent the cause for him being such a wimp in his own home if his wife demeanour was anything like her photo I would have been terrified to cross her.
Real conversation stopper that was.
rgds
JA

[Red Lead Ted]

Marian, You will like this one. Securing the mooring ropes after being away for 4 months on a Harrison Boat here in Liverpool. As we come alongside all the usual were on the quay awaiting the gangway to be lowered out to come aboard, Ships agent, Customs, all the usual but right in the middle of the bunch was this little dolly girl all made up in finery lipstick wavy blond hair a real beauty. I was like an Adonis in my washed denims, Tan, even had a six pack in those days so loosened my denim shirt which was an imitation of John Lennon,s with the 2 stripes on the arm looked the part, Had a word with a fellow seaman I will fix the stanchions and secure the gangway ropes she cant keep her eyes of me look, I will shout up while I am down there a few orders SEAMAN, LETS HAVE THE R,G,s FITTED, Rat guards, AND GET SOMEONE FORWARD FOR THE C,N, ASAP PLZ Cargo net, BEFORE ANYONE CAN PASS ME TO COME ABOARD, The lads on deck were giving it large she isn't interested in you, A, A, SHHHHH we will see. As I started descending with gangway platform out LOWER AWAY ON THE, GWC, Gangway chains, I had one eye on this darling on the quay and one on the job as I started slotting the stanchions in place top to bottom total disregard for my safety a man think which woman love. As I got to the bottom of the gangway I was about to shout up for the G,R,s AND SHACKLES SEAMAN, gangway ropes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Little did I know the Bosun was standing taking all this in shaking his head it turned out to be the skippers daughter, with that the Bosun shouted down to me WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE !!!!!!!! I TOLD YOU HALF AN HOUR AGO TO GET A BRUSH AND SHOVEL AND MAKE SURE THOSE 2 CRANES WERE SWEPT OUT GET UP HERE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rodney Mills]

Not sure if the correct word should be foolish or stupid:

I was working in Iran as Managing Director of a remote-site catering company. All produce was seasonal, so consequently there where periods of shortage, or lack of between seasons. The onion season was coming to a close and onions are almost a staple of a westerners diet, so a problem was looming for our camp cooks.

The day of my foolishness/stupidity I was tied up on the phone, and busier than a one-legged man in an arxx kicking contest, when our Iranian purchasing man rushed into my office and asked how much onions should he stockpile. I said irritated "I don't know man, buy a ton of them." and went back to my phone conversation.

I had to leave the office for part of the day. When I arrived back, I got a strong odor of onions....You guessed it. There was a TON of onions stored loose, not in sacks, in the basement of our place of business.

The cost was in the region of $25,000. We used about 25% in our camps. The rest went rotten, and I had to write the loss of over about six months. To add to it, (out of my own pocket) I had to pay my kids to shovel the mess in to garbage bags to be hauled away, and hire people to clean-up the basement.

The smell stayed with us until the end. The end being gratefully provided by the late Ayatollah Khomeini.

Cheers, Rodney

[j.sabourn]

My life must have been filled with embarrassing moments, which believe have put up before. One about walking hand in hand with what I thought was a woman through the streets of Adelaide, which the 2nd mate and Ch, stwd who was with, were too well mannered to tell me otherwise as being Indian didn't think it was their job to and probably thought I was that way inclined, however the second mate did tell me before it was too late, very polite in the way he did it, "Sahib you do know that is a he woman", dropped it like a red hot brick. Another time pretending to jog along the street back to the ship in San Juan Puerto Rico, in a pair of boxer shorts, managed to get back before the few passengers we had were about. The Quartermaster on the gangway watch just put his head in his arms and pretended he couldn't see, this was after escaping from some bordello after being drugged the previous night, maybe they thought they were going to sell me into white slavery, but on closer inspection decided against and let me climb out of the window. Cheers JS