The Geriatric Alphabet

[John Gill]

Came across this today -thought it might be somewhat familiar with one or two of us.

The Geriatric Alphabet.

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

A's the arthritis;
B's the bad back
C's the chest pains
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
Eis for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which i'd rather not mention

H is high blood pressure- i'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, i forget what comes next.
N is for neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, i have quite a few,
just give me a pill- i'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's dizzy, you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for xray, and what might be found
Y is another year i'm left behind,
Z is for zest that i still have-in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And i'm keeping 26 doctors fully employed!!

[Tony Morcom]

Love it John. Best laugh I've had in a few days.

[Lou Barron]

Well said John i feel like all that when i get out of bed in the morning

[Charlie Hannah]

Good one Good humor,but oh so true.

[Charlie Hannah]

Four Husbands!?!
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just shut-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

[Charlie Hannah]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


And finally the all time classic:


Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:


IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

[Charlie Hannah]

A women goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says "no chance love there much to expencive"
Later on in bed the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip and then lower on to her thigh.
She turns to him and says "i dont think so mate.if your not prepared to shoe the horse
then you sure as hell ain't riding it"