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Thread: Husbands gift.

  1. #1
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    Default Husbands gift.

    A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM*



    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    ________________________________

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.

    He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    ________________________________

    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!

    It's a whole new life for me.

    _______________________________

    WEDNESDAY:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

    _______________________________

    THURSDAY:

    Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

    _________________________________

    FRIDAY:

    I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

    Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    ________________________________

    SATURDAY:

    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

    ________________________________

    SUNDAY:

    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    Not as stupid as it sounds.
    WE have about six such like clubs where we live, you see them go in all fresh and keen.
    then see them an hour later in the golden Arches.

    But of course they need the energy for the next day?????????
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    Since having a lobotomy, I have been sent to the physio once a week. I got a round of a applause from the other victims when I suggested to the witches that run the chamber, that they took up crosswords instead of spending their evenings thinking up new torturers.
    .

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    Some of the ladies are never satisfied with the gifts they get from their husbands.

    We have big log fire and I bought a new chain saw and log splitter, offered to buy her in doors one as well, she did not like the offer.
    So I bought here a garden vaccumn instead, now she can clean up the leaves.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    I think you may be spoiling her John.
    I once bought my wife a wheelbarrow.
    She was not pleased.

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    I will slip this one in here Den.
    When the Duke of Edinburgh got to heaven he was met at the gate by Princess Diana. "That's a lovely Halo you have there my dear." Said the Duke, " It's a bloody steering wheel you prick," she answered.
    R510868
    Lest We Forget

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    Des a lot of straight laced people will think that is in bad taste, people joke on with death as it is a way of relieving their feelings of death , and shows that they can look on it as just another of life’s obstacles, even the Duke himself would of had a laugh at that , that’s what real people do , it’s their only recourse of relief. Yesterday’s state funeral of Bert Newton , I would have liked to have been a listener at his wake , most of the jokes would have been in the same vein I have no doubt , and they would have been a sign of respect for him , for his business of entertaining the masses . Cheers JS.
    Last edited by j.sabourn; 13th November 2021 at 12:13 AM.
    R575129

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    Yes John, we watched that as well.
    Gallows humor is what it is known as and is as you say a way of dealing with grief.

    Den, of course she was not happy, no shovel to go with it.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    #10. As regards Gallows humour should imagine an oft repeated saying from the onlookers were “ did you see ? And his feet never touched the ground “. JS
    R575129

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    Default Re: Husbands gift.

    I witnessed a "live" case of gallows humour, back in the 70s. We were carrying fuel oil to lots of small banana ports around Central America.
    One of the ABs had very long hair, past his shoulders. The mate would always greet him with "get your effing hair cut" and the reply was always "eff off".

    While tying up in Golfito (Costa Rica) one of the bow lines part and whipped back, and literally scalped this poor guy (lucky it didn't take his head off).
    As they were about to carry him down the gangway, his scalp hanging off him, the mate says to him " you will have to get your effing hair cut now" the reply was a long drawn out moan "eeeffff ooofff".

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