Virtual Ship

[Les Woodard]

Hi William I think you should know that Den has not told you about the other test and that is you will have to eat and pass the tab nab test and if you can do that quitely then you are on board. Must tell you that no one has done it without screaming out as the tab nab's do not seem to get digested in the system but we all have no need for roughage in our diets here.

[Geoff Anderson]

Hi William .
Your more than welcome to join our motly crew, and besides we need more deck crew. Dont be put of by the test, as nobodies passed that test. Those tab nabs would derail a train and thats only the soft ones. we sell the hard ones as bullet proof vests.
Only one thing to ask. You dont have any mates or friends who are of an unusual persuasion, as we already have one called les b anne. and all she does is make mistakes , i think she does it on purpose so she can get a good paxoing.
Taffy 1eye

[Michael Lawrence]

Hi Bill. Welcome aboard. Now if you can't pass the tabnab test just bring a trowel and level aboard with you and we can start you laying bricks on the old China Wall when you have leave. If you had a spare cement mixetr that would help to as Den and terry are have problems with their galley Kenwood. Look, if you need the low down on any of the lads just ask me as I know all the scictlebutt going around this swhip from the Old man downwards. By the way I'm Mike the galley boy and you can trust me to give you a fair deal on any stores you'll like to purchase ( I suppose you want to eat). But lets keep it between us as we don't want to overwork the C/Stwd Vernon whose a Sth African Aussie and prone to blow a gasket when I take up my 'fiddle'. Anyway mate welcome aboard and get ready for shearing as theres a load of born again Kiwis and Aussies aboard. Watch out for the cauldron on the foredeck. Mike

[Dennis McGuckin]

That's it then. All those aspersions about my tabnabs. I'm off to sulk in the fog locker.[been waiting for an excuse]
Den.

[happy daze john in oz]

It has got worse. Alf had to go on sick leave and before he went he made a life size model of himself tied to the wheel, but it was made out of tab nabs and now they are starting to disintigrate. At first we thought it was the gulls eating them but then we realised no self respecting gull would touch them. So with no one at the wheel and an early edition Esso road map to guide us by we will all be Les.B. Anned before long.

[Dennis McGuckin]

I have to issue the following health warning.
Due to this ship going in ever decreasing circles and never getting anywhere. I have exhausted my supply of rum extract.
I am now forced to use [ pilfered] rum from my personal stock.
This new ingredient to my tabnab recipe could cause the following side effects.
The illusion that one can sing, dance and fight. Also you may experience nausea, dizziness, and the inability to walk straight.
Blurred vision and memory loss. In extreme cases one may need to have ones stomach pumped out by the ships Dr.[ do we have one?]
If all else fails and you are really desperate, take a sip from the Welch witches cauldron. Only recommended if facing death.
Once I replace the real rum with extract, all of the above symptoms will disappear, and all hands should return to normal[a word one does not use much on this vessel] Except in Daze John's case as he had most of them when he signed on.
Now if we can get Alf from his hard a port on the wheel and straighten him out[another difficult task] we may one day reach port.
Meanwhile. Hoist the yellow flag.
Den.

[happy daze john in oz]

Now Den me lad, you will have to go to the local grog shop where they have a special offer two for one. But be sure to read the small print first, Alf forgot to and has been tied to the wheel ever since. Of course he had read 'two years before the mast' and thought all was well. I heard the doc went sick after a night with Les. B. Anne, swallowed something a bit off, but heard the greaser is good at pumping so any one with a doggey stomach down to the boiler room. He would do it up on deck but the witched cauldron is a bit too close for comfort he said.

[George]

Cor blimey when is the crew of this ship ever going to get back aboard Dens in the gally and needs to know how many to cook for Johns happy up at the bar with no one to talk to Alf is overdue from his sick leave Vernon whent ashore for stores Mike the gally boy is taking libertys with his shore leave ( he was only going ashore to downsize his cabin) recon Den will clip his ear when he returns and lord the Welsh Witches have become a law unto themselfs even there coldron fire has given up the ghost and what's happened to the skipper and his sidekick Les B Anne ?????? last seen flying to some Creek Island and poor me stuck on this gangway duty having to entertain myself with those bellbottom amazons ( Female) stationed up the river aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I need a break New boy whanted to sighn on had to send him looking for the skipper think he may have been Hi Jacked on his travels some dodgy pubs around these parts aint seen im since

[Geoff Anderson]

Hi All.
The welsh witches are still here, we got a grant from somebody for insulating the coldron so we are saving on wood. So weve been having a P up on the fore deck with the money saved we did send out invertions, but nobody replied. So were all legless. any chance of a fed were all starving. Come and join us George nobody is daft enough to try an board this ship, besides weve got something you might like up here.
taffy 1eye

[happy daze john in oz]

Taff mate the last time someone said I have got something you might like up here it was followed by a six week course of penicllin. But wait, we might be able to make our own antibiotic, I have heard the cow we had on board for fresh milk went ashore for a feed and never came back. But we still have the results of the last milking nad it looks a bit off, little white floaters, and the smell is not unlike the greasers armpit. Now if we make good use of the cauldron, add abit of my plum wine, couple of Dens tab nabs then strain it all through Les. B. Annes beard we could bottle it and sell it to the natives. This may be the answer to snake bite, malaria and the D.T.s. Maybe we could use Vernon to market it? Much better than Shabeen!