Last one through the nose

[happy daze john in oz]

Being a winger in the tourist gallop on any of the Lavender Ladies was always a challenge. But for most of us it was a challenge we readily accepted. There have always been some difficult bloods on any liner, be they first or tourist class. This lady in question, in tourist, had been on four tables before being placed on one of mine. A lady of some repute for not getting along with others at her table, and for giving the winger a rough time. I was her fifth winger and table in eight days. By dinner of the first and only day on one of my tables I realised why. Being a little outspoken I told her what I thought of her, and her behaviour, as a result found myself up on the bridge deck in front of the skipper.
He told me, ‘lad there are some passengers I would rather not carry, but having paid their fare we as company representatives, must do as the company tells us’. It was just a reprimand not a logging and I left the bridge somewhat relieved.

It was with that thought in mind, some voyages later as officers steward, I stood looking over the ships side in Southampton as we boarded the latest bloods for our next voyage south. They were I mused, a well mixed bunch. The long and the short, the thin and the rotund, young and old. Ladies of bearing as well as breeding, men of wealth and some with very little to show for a lifetime of endeavours. Some going home to South Africa, some going on a holiday of a lifetime, and some no doubt on business.

As I stood and observed a very large sedan pulled up on the quayside, long and black looking like the vehicle of a wealthy person. A chauffer alighted from the driver’s side opening the passenger door from which emerged a rather short rotund gentleman immaculately dressed in a pin- striped suit. He was followed by one of the most stunning ladies I had to date seen. Tall and slim with long blonde hair and break your back legs, she was drop dead gorgeous. It appeared by the looks that he was very much her senior, and at first I considered father and daughter, but no, they were a newly married couple. He was close to fifty and she in her late twenties. This was to be their honeymoon on their way back to South Africa where he was involved in the wine industry with KWV. All this information I gleaned from Bob the officer’s steward in charge. Bob was one of the alternative sexual brigades, though not the camp sort. His very good friend was a bedroom steward first class and this couple were two of his passengers.

The ship sailed with all the usual pomp and ceremony, steamers flowing from deck to shore like some giant umbilical cord, the last hold on the people ashore and on board. Slowly the cord parted and we were on our way south. Until we reached Las Palmas on the Monday morning it was just the normal voyage. For the crew and bloods, just another day in port. The bloods ashore to see the sights and purchase worthless baubles form the locals. The crew to get a beer, go to Doris’s bar in the hope of getting a leg over, all paid for in silver. Silver tea- pots, salvers, veg dishes, cutlery etc. courtesy of UCL. Then a few days later, many of the crew who visited Doris’s bar would make a visit to the ships doctor, in the hope that he could rid them of the souvenirs given to them by the lovely ladies in that bar.

The newly wed couple had no doubt enjoyed their morning in Las Palmas as they had been observed arriving back aboard with a variety of goods purchased ashore. Being in first class they were afforded the luxury of having a steward appointed to take the goods to their cabin while they enjoyed lunch.
We sailed from Las Palmas and, as ever, set course South for Cape Town some ten days hence. The sea was calm as we again settled into our daily routine. For the young couple a chance to enjoy the day, but after only a few minutes on deck after lunch adjourned to their cabin. No doubt the morning activities and the generous lunch, swilled down with a modicum of wine, left them in a frivolous mood. Such a mood, that they considered once again consummating their marriage.

From the reports later gleaned from the young lady in question all had been going well. He was as she put it, a veritable lover of consuming passion, more than capable of satisfying her. Having enjoyed a pre nuptial romp they had got down and dirty to some serious stuff. He was at the business end of the action ready to fire the torpedo when it occurred, no warning, it just happened. Many a man had dreamed of leaving this world in such a manner, and for this kind soul it was the truth. A massive heart attack at a poignant moment had taken him to the world beyond, leaving his young bride not only distressed and heart broken, but also pinioned to the bed. Such was his weight and shape that she could not move him.

Unable to reach the bedside call button she had lain there for over an hour with her husband still on top of her. Her biggest concern then was rigor mortis setting in, leaving him stiff all over. But a saviour appeared just at the point when she considered all was lost. The cabin steward on his afternoon rounds knocked at the door to asking if the couple required any thing. Her scream as he knocked was enough for him to rush in and find the terrible situation. Having removed the husband he then called for the ships doctor, who was at that time in the first class lounge bar preparing for evening surgery. He pronounced the man dead, and it became obvious that yet another burial at sea would take place on the Windsor castle.

To be continued..............

[Colin Hawken]

You must have known my home port of Southampton quite well then?

[happy daze john in oz]

You must have known my home port of Southampton quite well then?

Yes Colin I knew it well. My very good mate Mick lived there and we sailed together for a number of years. Sadly all the watering holes we knew and loved are now gone. One thing i do remember very well was the fact that the pavements there were very hard, not suitable for sleeping on.

[Doc Vernon]

Hi Colin
I think there would be many here on site that knew and still know Southampton very well,it was as you well know one of various Ports that we all loved!
On many many occasions we had some great times there,and as for me not only when at Sea but also other times too when i lived there for a while,and also when on leave at times from the RAF.
Had a lovely lass that lived in Southampton, Cheriton Ave Harefield and nearly got hitched to her,but it wasnt to be!
All the lovely days in the Checkpoint,and the Juniper Berry,and so many others!
A good Friend we had there too (me and my late Brother) his name i withold , JBT initials untill that one awfull Day,that story you i dare say like many other have read on site!
Yes indeed S"oton was a great place!
Bet i wouldnt recognise it nowdays!However looking at Google that place (Cheriton Ave) still looks much the same!
Cheers

Looked in on the Ex Girls House and hasnt changed !