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Thread: Apologies for the question

  1. #1
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    Default Apologies for the question

    During the 50’s and 60’s
    Dad was away a lot in MN

    Up to 1958 mum put up with him coming
    Home on leave drunk, wanting sex and drinking more.
    Finally in 1960 she got a legal separation.

    Dad only visited when drunk on leave throughout the 60’s
    Painful for everybody. Especially the policemen he usually knocked to the ground.

    At this point I will mention dad did from the first to last day in the war and
    Was sunk on three ships.

    My question is a difficult one and I know it could have many varied answers.

    I wonder how much dad was thinking about his family when he was away for 2/3 months in foreign parts? He was a rascal, good looking and liked the ladies.
    He never tried to change his drunken ways to my knowledge.

    Be great to have others take on this ?
    Again, apologies if you feel it’s a daft question but I know some members will perhaps identify with my dad’s situation.

    Thank you
    Bob

  2. Thanks Doc Vernon thanked for this post
  3. #2
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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    If I remember rightly you asked this same question circa 2018/19 and received numerous replies.

    Many MN people approx 195,000, served on vessels throughout the war period, many survived and saw things that no man should see or endure. That did not turn them all into drunks, so on the law of averages you can rule out that as a cause for your fathers constant inebriated condition.

    No man can walk in another man's shoes, so we cannot tell you whether or not your father thought of your/his family during his relatively short absences from home, only your father could have answered that question.

    Many of us sailed in the 1950's and 1960's and were anything from 6 to 24 months from home, that did not turn us into raving drunks, womanisers or having a habit of beating up policemen, nor were we by the same token saints either.

    I would say from my own experience when at sea nearly everyone I sailed with thought of their families with constant letter writing and letter reception (up to four months late). Not only did did they write letters they kept the Japanese economy sound by purchasing those transparent tea and coffee services, as well as toys and clothes from Hong Kong.

    On the whole merchant seafarers were normal hard working men, and were unfairly represented by a few tainted apples on which the general public seemed to judge us.

    If you have any good memories of your father, concentrate solely on those and cast the rest into Davey Jones Locker where they belong

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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    Hi Robert.
    I can only concur with Ivan's excellent reply. My father was in the MN in the first war, and my brother in the second I don't recall any animosity when they came home. I sailed from 49 to the middle 60s on deck as an AB and found that most married men, and there were not that many as I recall in most deck crews, I would say they were mainly among the officers and engineers, as theirs were a longer term commitment. As no one would know about what happened when someone got home, it is to hard to make any judgement .
    R510868
    Lest We Forget

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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    Hello Robert
    As with the above replies, i too can say that there is wisdom there and do take note of what is said!

    However and this is no detraction from the above posts, but ther are always some circumstances in life that can and have changed People. Be it War, Family Stress, or any other thing that could spark someone to do as is said by you.

    Just for my experience in life i too had similar conditions in the Family with my dear Dad , i cannot say what made him Drink in excess at one time during his life, and he too did some things that were not called for, but as said who knows?

    Thankfully though Dad did stop, and things were a lot different although my Parents divorced , but we still loved Dad no matter what!

    I myself went through a very bad time in my life as well, with heavy Drinking and sad to say also followed a nasty pattern for some time, this i only blame myself for not anything to do with my seeing what happened with my Parents!

    So there you have it you are not alone in this and i am sure there are many many others with similar life experiences, but possibly not willing to share! I have always been open and honest and have naught to hide, what has been done is just that its finished overs!

    Have had a lot of bad times, and done bad things, but paid the price and mostly learnt from them.
    For many Years now have done the right thing and now live a Wonderful life with a Wonderful Wife! ( Third time lucky) LOL

    One thing ! Always remember that your Dad is just that , and no matter what he i am sure loved his Family! When under the influence people do things that when normal they would never ever think of, and worst of all most things that are done under the Influence one does not remember!
    Its awful!!!
    Cheers
    Senior Site Moderator-Member and Friend of this Website

    R697530

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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    War does funny things to people in all avenues of it.

    My dad was devoted to my mother, I only saw him once during the war though too young to recall.
    He was in the army as a Captain in the transport corp.
    Sent to Gibralta to oversee the transport requirements for North Africa campaign.

    He got friendly with the matron in the local field hospital, it developed into some thing else.

    He was home on leave when he told my mother he wanted a divorce.

    I next met him in London at a restaurant when he told me what had happened.
    As he said, every day you thought it may be your last, the wear was bad and so many thought they would never get home again.

    It happened to so many in a similar way.

    I do not hate him for doing what he did, I did not like it as I had no father any more until mum remarried, but I can understand how things were and why it happened the way it did.

    How many men of the MN met with ladies in other countries and stayed there never coming back?

    None of us can pass judgement on any other man, walk a mile in his shoes first if you wish to.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    Thank you for the replies.
    My thoughts towards my dad are one of respect.
    We managed before the end of his life to pull
    A sort of relationship back from the non existent one
    It had always been after this photo
    Last edited by Doc Vernon; 25th June 2021 at 06:52 AM.

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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    There is a recognised symptom of mental trauma now recently recognised as POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER....many folk in the wars have had this newly recognisedsympton .......i suggest you put your fathers problem to rest ....he fed and clothed you even in his bad times ....if he had to demand sex then i think his relationship with your mother was seriously flawed .....perhaps it takes two to tango .....let it go many did not get back home at all .......respectfully cappy
    Last edited by Doc Vernon; 25th June 2021 at 09:18 PM.

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    Default Re: Apologies for the question

    I'm really sorry for what happened in your life, Bob. However, it does no good to keep re-visiting the sadness. We can't undo the past ; even stuff that happened 5 minutes ago.
    If you can, mentally put it in the bin. Then leave it there. It will never smell any better if you keep taking it out to have another look at it.
    Go gently
    Brenda

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