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Thread: Smile...

  1. #1
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    Default Smile...

    An Irish man pushes his pregnant wife into the maternity ward at the local hospital.
    The nurse asks him ''Is she in labour? ''Yes says he'' "Grand, how dilated is she?"
    Husband says, "Be Jaysus, she's over the moon."



    A woman is shopping in the local supermarket.
    She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
    As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind
    her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance,
    "You must be single."
    The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about
    her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"
    He replies, "Because you're ugly."




    ''Cheap Flights''
    Brian was in the pub having a beer with his mates and he said:
    "My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night,
    so I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights."
    "I love you, Brian" she said, and then she got all excited, beckoned
    me upstairs and we had great night.
    which is very odd, because she's never shown an interest in darts before.



    I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
    He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
    I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"



    My wife asked me earlier what my plans were for Easter?..
    "The same as Jesus" I replied...
    "Disappear Friday, turn up Monday!"



    "How's the diet going?" I asked my friend
    "Not good" she sighed, "I had four eggs for breakfast this morning"
    "Oh dear", "Fried?"
    "No Cadbury's"

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Smile...

    A smile a day, keeps us all going,
    R689823

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Smile...

    If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.


    I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.


    Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.


    My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.


    It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.


    I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.


    As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.


    Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was just one sit-up.”


    As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.


    I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

    Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

    I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


    I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


    God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed.


    I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.


    I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.


    My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.


    Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.


    Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.


    She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.


    Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.


    There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest!

    A Few More Chuckles
    1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

    2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

    3. It's weird being the same age as old people.

    4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

    5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

    6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"

    7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

    8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

    9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

    10. You know you are getting old when "friends with benefits" means having someone who can drive at night.

    11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

    12. After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

    13. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

    14. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.

    15. I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know darn well Dad has no idea what's inside.

    16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.




    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Smile...

    There I was thinking about how we adjudicate the mental ability of some, mainly by making commentsuch as,

    Bright as a Toc H Lamp.
    Well how bright are they 10 or maybe 100 watts.

    Thick as two short planks, how do you measure the planks length and thickness.

    A brick short of a load,
    But how many bricks in a load?

    A sandwich short of a picnic, how may went to the picnic and how mnaa sandwiches were there to start with?

    Not the full quid, well how much short is he, Cappy may be able to help out there.

    A Roo lose in the top paddock, but which paddock and which Roo?

    Then there I was in the local Cemetry visiting some relis of years ago, the sign said 'visitor parking', well the residents certainly do not need any.
    Then the sign said 'Keep off the grass' was that the lawn or the stuff you smoke, maybe a few in there used that stuff, got them an early entry.

    To find answers to these questions suggest you visit the local asylum, but do not get pulled in by the answers.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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  6. #5
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    Default Re: Smile...

    It was a practical session in the psychology class.



    The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.



    The rat was in the middle of the cage.

    Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

    Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.

    This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

    And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

    Professor asked the students: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?

    Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!"

    The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said "You just got an A."
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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