Dave Allen

[James Curry]

Dave Allen great comedian.

Aeroplanes.

When I fly I don’t want to care about wide seats, short seats, reclining seats. How much booze they’re going to give me, what food I’m getting, when I fly, three things I want to know:

Will the plane take off.

When it’s up in the air, will it stay in the air.

And when it comes down is it coming down where they said it would come down.

That’s all I wanna know. Get on aeroplanes, the language. The language of airlines. Planes are never late, you ever notice that? They’re delayed. And there are always these words that they use. Words are very important, the psychological wording.

You get on an aeroplane, sitting on the runway. Ready to take off. That’s when the hostess always tells you about the things that can go wrong with the plane. They never tell you that when you’re buying a ticket do they? They never say the wings could fall out or oxygen will fail. None of that. They wait until you’re sitting there, not only are you sitting there but you’re strapped. You’re strapped into your seat.

And then under the guise of talking about the doors they’re give you a blessing. They use the words: ‘If by chance’ “If by chance the pressurisation of the cabin drops, oxygen will be provided.” That’s nice of them isn’t it? They’ve got you up to 35,000 feet, they’re about to asphyxiate you… Ohh, we’ll give you some oxygen. “If an oxygen mask drops down in front of you, please place it over your nose and mouth and breath”

Where else? That’s the only part of your body you can breath through, you’re not going to stick it on your ass! And Breath normally, normally! Can you see yourself at 35,000 feet and these things drop out of the roof, like used contraceptives and you’re going to go “Ohh look at that, Ohh that’s interesting. The pressurisation of the cabin must have dropped and they’re providing us with oxygen… Very interesting isn’t it? Yes.”

Crap. Let me tell you if you’re sitting there at 35,000 feet and those things drop down in front of you, the first that that happens is your anal nerve goes. And on a Jumbo jet that’s 500 anal nerves. So the quicker you get that thing over your nose, the better.

[happy daze john in oz]

One of the best things to come out of Ireland.
Very droll with all his humor, far better than some of the crap we get today as so called comedy.