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Thread: Billy Connolly 1 liners

  1. #1
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    Default Billy Connolly 1 liners

    Bit of fun from the Big Yin.

    Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'”

    The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.

    I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

    “Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.”

    One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its ********.”

    “A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist.”

    You know what I want to see just once: a suicide bomber instructor. ‘Right lads, pay attention, I’m only going to show you this once.'”

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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners

    A hand in the bird is worth two in the bush

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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners

    And a hand on the bird in the wrong spot can get you into all manner of trouble.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners

    I like Billie Connolly when his language is not too extreme. I like the one where he said a guy was in the public toilet, and another guy in the next cubicle said there was no toilet paper, could the first guy pass some paper under the partition, sure said first guy, tore off some sheets of toilet paper passed it under the partition, number 2 guy promptly stood on his hand and pinched his watch . well, i thought it was funny. kt
    R689823

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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners

    Sort of one liners he may well have wanted to use.


    I have a few jokes about unemployed people
    …..but none of them work.

    Will glass coffins be a success?
    ….Remains to be seen.

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
    …..One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

    Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
    One asks, "What's your favorite's kind of music?"
    …..The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

    Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
    …..There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday,
    …..but couldn't find any.

    What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
    …..A maybe.

    I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
    …..I lost my case.

    Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
    …..I don't know and don't really care.

    I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant,
    …..but then I changed my mind.

    I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought:
    …..That's the last thing I need!"

    Sleeping comes so naturally to me.
    …..I could do it with my eyes closed.

    What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
    …..A Thesaurus.

    You're not completely useless,
    …..you can always serve as a bad example.

    I broke my finger last week.
    …..On the other hand, I'm okay.

    Don't spell PART backwards.
    …..It's a trap.

    What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
    …..Well, the flag is a big plus.

    Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
    …..He was lucky it was a soft drink.

    To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.
    …..Thanks for nothing!

    Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
    …..Dad: "No sun.”
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

  7. Thanks Doc Vernon thanked for this post
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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners

    Billy was in Brisbane many years ago giving one of his much loved performances.
    In the front row a man and his wife.
    Billy made some comment the man did not like.
    He got up saying to Billy,
    "I did not bring my wife here to be insulted"

    Where do you normally take her then replied Billy.

    Next day the show was cancelled, he was told to leave town and never come back, he never did.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners

    Aye Billy does not take fools lightly. He was being hackled by some a hole. He says do you know why I am keeping you talking? the bouncers are just about to throw you out on your a-rse.

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    Default Re: Billy Connolly 1 liners


    I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
    "I wish to live forever," I said.


    "Sorry," said the fairy, "that is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."
    "Fine," I said. "Then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"


    "You're a crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.






























    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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