Falling in love again

[happy daze john in oz]

Back on April 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby... Whatcha doin'up there on that railin'?"



She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!".

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"



So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed..

[happy daze john in oz]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!""Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.



He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

[Stan Carter]

Thanks John, certainly brightened up my day.....
regards, Stan

[happy daze john in oz]

Murphy's Law with a wonderful Irish explanation...

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait.. it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared "No Miracle", because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!

[j.sabourn]

Thought you were going to say it wasn’t butter, it was margarine . Cheers JS

[Graham Payne]

#5 Seems two minds think alike J.S.

[happy daze john in oz]

Some years ago here in Oz there was a new margarine came on the market, the makes claimed you could not tell kit from butter.
It created such fuss that it was even discussed in parliament as to wether it was butter or something else.

[happy daze john in oz]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.



When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.



Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies.



Then he passed his hand over my head and left.



My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.



When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!



I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.



I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.



I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.



I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.



It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.



Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.



The dead bastard had a twin!

[j.sabourn]

Cant remember if put this up before or not.....
SIMPLE TRUTH
When a woman is pregnant , all her friends touch her stomach and say. " Congratulations". But none go up to the man, touch his p***s and say " Good Job."

Moral of the story... Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cant buy happiness-but its more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle .
2. Forgive your enemy-but remember their name.
3. If you help someone when they"re in trouble - they will remember you when they"re in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems- but then neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex ! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womans husband.

2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know like NASCAR drivers, so then you could identify their corporate sponsors.

3. Also all politicians should serve only two terms-- one in office and one in prison.

JS....