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Thread: In need of a good laugh

  1. #1
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    Default In need of a good laugh

    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons ). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

    - - - Updated - - -

    One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, WA, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

    The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

    When the first volu! nteer fi re-fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,

    'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.

    They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

    But the roaring flames held! the fire -fighters off.

    Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.

    As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

    Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another f! ire truck came into sight.

    It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.

    To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire-fighters, ! passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.

    Within a short time, the Baringa old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.

    A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.

    The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

    'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat f****n' fire truck!!'







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    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Brilliant, very very true!!!!!!

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    The old ones are the best, got a copy of
    The Colonoscopy Journal: from 2008.

    K.
    "Our veterans did not forget about us .... Let's not forget about them." From Michael Levesque

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    The precursor of colonoscopies were barium enemas of which I have had considerable experience ( having been awarded the golden foleys catheter at Concord hospital) I digress this exam does require the insertion of a tube in those nether regions while conscious. Most patients coped well even if unenthusiastic to the procedure.
    However one day a gentleman from the eastern block country vigorously objected to this being done by a woman insisting that the "doctor" should be in charge.
    Smiling sweetly I agreed and went to tell the doctor on duty that day.
    Imagine this man's horror when that doctor was a woman who didn't take prisoners!!
    After the test this man didn't wait to use the facilities as one would want ( having been copiously filled with barium for the test) Instead he beat a hasty retreat out the door. We all hoped he had driven himself to the rooms....god help anyone near him if he had chosen public transport.

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    dont them tubes the quacks put in your nose for air make the crows in your nose like rocks i sneezed and shot two nurses? jp

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    It was some time back in the dark ages of hospital treatment.
    I was in for a hernia op.
    Night before I had to have an enama, got to clear the bowel I was told.

    Curtains drawn around my bed, tube shoved up the exhaust and about two hundred gallons of soapy water poured in.

    Then sat on a bed pan.

    All would have been well but it was at 1700 hours and they were giving all the other patients in the 30bed ward their evening meal.

    No doubt the sounds my bowel made ensured they enjoyed the food. In hospital for two weeks with two supositries to come.

    Fast forward to 2013 and a second hernia op.
    No enama, in and out in half a day.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    I heard today that Scientists have found evidence of life on Venus.
    Fantastic stuff, because here in Melbourne there is no sign of life in our gov, all brain dead, that's for sure.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Had the same procedure a few months ago John.......similar experience with the moviprep but worthwhile as everything was in order,

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    >> What Is Couple Sex?
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
    >>
    >> The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
    >>
    >> Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
    >>
    >> When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
    >>
    >> Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
    >>
    >> The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
    >>
    >>
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    #8: Glad to hear all is well Arthur.

    All the best.

    Keith.
    "Our veterans did not forget about us .... Let's not forget about them." From Michael Levesque

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