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Thread: In need of a good laugh

  1. #11
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class,

    "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Young Harold answered first.

    "I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant ******s, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in London, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout the world, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose barn door in a hurricane.”



    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from young Harold, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.



    "And how about you, Sarah?”



    "I want to be Harold’s tart."



    Nothing like having ambition !!!!
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

  2. #12
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    '

    h




    MURDER AT TESCO

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

    Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

    The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

    Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

    As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

    (You're going to hate me for this...)
    .

    .

    .

    .

    .


    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco


    Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff. I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.


















    Virus-free. www
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

  3. #13
    Keith at Tregenna's Avatar
    Keith at Tregenna Guest

    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says, "You're a duck."
    "I see your eyes are working, "replies the duck.
    "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
    "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
    "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
    "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
    "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
    "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
    "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
    "Where is it?"
    "At the circus," Says the barman.
    "The circus?" Repeats the duck.
    "That's right," Replies the barman.
    "The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
    "Yeah," the barman replies.
    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
    "Of course," the barman replies.
    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
    "That's right!" says the barman.
    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..........
    "What the world would they want with a plasterer??!"

  4. #14
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Quote Originally Posted by happy daze john in oz View Post
    '

    h




    MURDER AT TESCO

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'



    .


    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco


    Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff. I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.


















    Virus-free. www
    bit like the one about the laundry owners son
    Last edited by Doc Vernon; 7th October 2020 at 06:10 AM.

  5. #15
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    In a small town there was a laundry owned by a family called Nutts.
    This laundry employed many female workers and was managed by the owners son, who had a bit of a reputation with the female staff.
    One day a young female worker goes into his office and tells young Nutts that she is pregnant and he is the father and unless he pays up she is going to the local paper to expose his behaviour.
    He refuses to pay so off she goes to the local rag and he does a runner.
    The editor was a friend of the old man and called him with the news, the old boy was mortified and pleaded with the editor not to print the story but the editor told him he had no option but to print it, but said he would try to keep it out of the headlines.
    The paper came out the next day and the old Mr. Nutts scoured it for the article, finding nothing in the news section he turned to the commercial pages to find a heading
    Nuts Screws Washers and Bolts.
    BOOM BOOM!

  6. #16
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    hree desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss*their options.*

    One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.*

    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you*indulge in your vices*
    one more time, you will surely die."

    The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would*never again indulge*
    himself in his vice.

    While walking toward the*tube for their return trip to the*suburbs, they passed*
    a bar.*

    The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.*
    His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No*
    sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold*
    dead.*

    His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how*seriously they must*
    take the doctor's words.*

    As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still*
    burning.

    The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over*
    to pick that up, we're both dead."**
    *
    *
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

  7. #17
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Two Priets were using the urinals.*

    *One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
    Nicorette patch on it.

    *He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to
    put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not *your penis.'

    *The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.*
    I'm down to two butts a day.'*

    ***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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  9. #18
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Might fit with some of you

    As I sat on the pier at Queensclife into my head came a song, one that well became the behavior of many a seaman who had just two objects in mind, one is well documented in the song, the other was an unending desire to spear the bearded clam, get his leg over, get his rocks off, sex was the driving factor of all men at sea, must be the air.

    And now the bottle’s dry, and so I face an empty glass
    My friends I’ll say it clear, I always drank what came to pass
    I drank a lot of Gin, and may I say not in a sad way
    Oh no, much more than this I got pissed my way.
    With Scotch, I had a spew, but then again too few to mention
    I much preferred the Gin, and drank it all without exemption
    I drank the bottle dry, in many bars along the by way
    But more, much more than this I got pissed my way.
    But there were times I guess you knew, when I just had to have a spew
    But through it all when there was doubt I drank it up and spit it out
    The white phones know, diced carrots grow, I drank them my way.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Retired Person's Perspective

    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.



    2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.



    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.



    4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.



    5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "pre - meditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.



    6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.



    7. I decided to change calling the bathroom , ‘ the John ’ and renamed it ‘ the Jim ’ . I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.



    8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: i f you find one, what's your plan?



    9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.



    10. Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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  12. #20
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    Default Re: In need of a good laugh

    Absolutely brilliant Aussie Passport Application




    AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

    This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !



    Dear Mr Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

    How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?

    For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand ?

    My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

    It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

    It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

    Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

    ****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

    I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

    Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

    You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!

    What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

    And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

    Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

    Nooooo, that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

    You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

    Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?

    Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

    I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

    However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from
    the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

    You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

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