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Thread: Oh! Dear

  1. #1
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    Default Oh! Dear

    Donald Trump goes on a fact finding trip to Israel. While on tour in Jerusalem he has a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000 or you can bury him here, in the holy land for $100." The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes, then they tell the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to buried here and you would spend only a $100?"
    A diplomat replies. "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later he arose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".

    Des

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    Default Re: Oh! Dear

    A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
    As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
    They hear a faint moan.
    They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
    She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
    They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
    As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
    "Our veterans did not forget about us .... Let's not forget about them." From Michael Levesque

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    Default Re: Oh! Dear

    Newport City Council have published extracts from letters of complaints written by residents:

    1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
    2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
    3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
    4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
    5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
    6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
    7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
    8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
    9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
    11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
    12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
    13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny and not fit to drink.
    14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
    15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
    18. I am a single woman l am
    writing in about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
    20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
    22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
    "Our veterans did not forget about us .... Let's not forget about them." From Michael Levesque

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    Default Re: Oh! Dear

    A young fella with his pants hanging half off his @rse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.

    He strolled up to the counter and said:

    "Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing."

    The social worker behind the counter said:

    "Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
    You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite."

    The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said:

    "You're bull-sh@ttin' me !"

    The social worker said:

    "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . .“
    "Our veterans did not forget about us .... Let's not forget about them." From Michael Levesque

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