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Thread: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

  1. #21
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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
    Mick; “ What if one explodes before we get there ? “
    Paddy; “ We”ll lie and say we only found two”
    JS

    An Irish Blonde In a Casino.

    An attractive blonde from Cork ,Ireland arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet 20,000 Euros on a single roll of the dice.
    She said “ I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I”m completely naked”.
    With that , she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue , “ Yelled Come on , baby, Mama needs new clothes! “.
    As the dice came to a stop , she jumped up and down and squealed “ Yes! Yes! I won , I won ! “
    She hugged each of the dealers picked up her winnings ( and her clothes) and quickly departed.
    The dealers stated at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked, “ What did she roll ?”.
    The other answered , “l don’t know-l thought you were watching the dice”.

    Moral of the Story..
    Not all Irish are drunks.

    Not all blondes are dumb.

    But all men..are men.

    JS
    Last edited by j.sabourn; 2nd April 2020 at 05:14 AM.

  2. #22
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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    How to confuse an Irishman.
    Put three shovels in the corner and tell him to take his pick.

    Paddy and mick were out shopping for a car, but first they had to eat at the local pie shop.

    Later at the car yard Mick sees a second hand RR and says to Paddy I am going to but that.

    No say Paddy, let me you bought the pies.
    Happy daze John in Oz.

    Life is too short to blend in.

    John Strange R737787
    World Traveller

  3. #23
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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    Paddy was walking down the street when he saw his buddy Mick driving a brand new Mercedes. Mick pulled up to him with a wide grin.
    “ Mick, where did you get that car ?”.
    “ Sue gave it to me” Mick replied.
    “ She gave it to you ? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya lad, but a new Merc ?”.
    “ well , Paddy, let me tell you what happened...
    We were driving out on a country road at 6 in the morning, in the middle of nowhere, Sue pulled off and headed In to the woods., she parked the car, got put , threw off all her clothes and said, “ Mick, take whatever you want”
    So Itook the car !” .
    “ you”re a smart man !“ says Paddy , Them clothes would never have fitted you “.

    JS
    Last edited by j.sabourn; 10th April 2020 at 05:33 AM.

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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    Paddy says to Murphy,
    “ Have you seen the news ? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths !”.
    “ Unbelievable , said Murphy, I can’t believe they all had the same name !”.
    JS

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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....
    “Ooh! “ said the presenter , “ This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition ?”.
    “ Sticks “ replied Paddy.

    Paddy and his two friends are talking in a bar.
    His first friend says ,” I think my wife is having an
    affair with an electrician, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine”.
    His second friend says, “ I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn’t mine”.
    Paddy says “ I think my wife is having an affair with a horse”.
    Both his friends looked at him with utter disbelief
    “ No I’m serious , the other day I came home and I found a jockey under our bed”

    JS

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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    as a boy I was blessed with a large penis . Unfortunately it belonged to father O,Reilly

  7. #27
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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    “ Mr. Murphy ,I have reviewed this case very carefully “ The divorce court judge said. “ And I have decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week”.
    “ That’s very fair your honor “ the husband said, “ And every now and then I will try to send her a few quid myself”.

    Paddy’s wife catches him in bed with a female midget !
    Furious she screams “ You promised me you wouldn’t cheat again ! “.
    Paddy says “ Can’t you see I’ve cut down ?”.
    JS

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    Default Re: Irish jokes you’ve probably already heard.

    Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.
    He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher
    “ Are you ready to find Jesus my son? “
    Paddy says “ I am sir”.
    Preacher puts him under the water then says “ Have you found Jesus ? “
    “ No sir”
    He then puts him under the water again for longer-
    “ Have you found Jesus ? “
    “ No sir”.
    He puts him under for two minutes..
    “ Have you found Jesus?”.
    Paddy says, “ Are you sure this is where he fell in ? “
    JS


    Paddy is doing some roofing for Murphy.
    He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.
    He calls down to Murphy and says “ I tink I will have to go home, I’ve gone all giddy and feel sick”.
    Murphy asks “ Ave yer got vertigo Paddy ?”.
    Paddy replies , “ No, I only live around the corner”.

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