why are we here

[john sutton]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years"

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it"

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[john sutton]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
�
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother, who had moved to Florida .
�
The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama."
�
The second said, " And I had a large theater built in her house."
�
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
�
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read
anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot
who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. To get the bird,
I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth
it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
�
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her "Thank You"
notes.
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She wrote: �Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
�
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I
never use the Mercedes. But the thought was good. Thanks."
�
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,
but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use
it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
�
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to
your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
�
Love, Mama

[john sutton]

POLICE WARNING

Advice to anyone travelling in icy conditions should take with them:

SHOVEL,
BLANKETS OR SLEEPING BAG,
EXTRA CLOTHING INCLUDING A SCARF, HAT AND GLOVES.
24 HOUR SUPPLY OF FOOD AND DRINK,
DE-ICER,
ROCK SALT,
TORCH AND SPARE BATTERIES.
SAFETY TRIANGLE,
TOW ROPE
PETROL CAN,
1ST　AID KIT
JUMP LEADS.





I looked a right Prat on the bus going into Lincoln this morning!!!

[Jim Brady]

The head of the lunatic asylum called an assembly and asked all the inmates "Why are we all here" to which one of the loonies shouted back "Because we're not all there".
Regards.
Jim.