don't scratch them check them

[leratty]

John, this thread brings back a hilarious memory in regards our health checks. Some years ago I was showering when I found a large lump on one of my testis which gave me quite a start, along with some serious angst. I organised an appointment with my Dr that day who said “he was quite concerned” & sent me off for an ultra sound post haste.

Next morning my wife & I headed off to this place, a very flash private clinic. We walked in & there were young attractive females everywhere which raised a red flag to me. I waited for my call saying to my wife “God I hope I do not get some attractive young thing doing this.” Well yes I did, a very attractive blond about 25 years of age, you are lying on a bed with nothing on below the belt she is chatting away & slapping great dobs of Vaseline or some such on your pride & joy you are trying to think of Phyllis Diller to ensure no reaction & make light conversation with this blond delight who is fondling away. Then she is working this hand held ball (no pun) device over everything & showing you on the screen what is going on. Believe me your self control-concentration is surely tried though out.

She completes the work, says “clean yourself up & wait in reception for the scans for your Dr.” I go outside sit with my wife telling her “you will never believe this” kinda like Victor Meldrue. Anyway the young lady comes out into the reception, I point her out to my wife who has a coughing-laughing fit. I pick up my scans & leave. Next morning as is my wife’s want, she goes to the gym where she sees the young lady in question, so for a laugh as she is with a couple of friends, says to her “Oh hello I believe you were playing with my husband’s balls yesterday?” The young lady goes bright red stammers something & rushes out of the gym.

Thankfully nothing was wrong so I breathed a sigh of relief. This thread brought back that memory for both of us causing quite some laughter & making for a good start to the day.

[John Pruden]

i asked for a truss they gave my a kit bagjp

[Captain Kong]

Hi Richard,
I had a similar experience with my Hydrocele in the Salford Royal Hospital. Two very attractive young ladies giving me an Ultra Sound scan on my left goolie.
I was lying there trying to think of chipping hammers and red lead when one of the young ladies handed me a tissue and said would you mind holding your penis out of the way it is flopping about.
A week late I went back to see the Consultant , he said all was OK just full of fluid, no nasties, But do you mind if the Students had a look, No I said, they have to learn these things.
Then the door opened and in walked six Student doctors including three young ladies.
He says to them in turn, have a feel of this and tell me what you think it is,
So these young men and young ladies took it turn to handle and squeese my goolie.
Each one giving him their verdict. Again I was thinking of soogie wads and rigging a stage.
Well it made a change from hoovering and washing up at home.
Brian.

[Colin Pook]

Hard to tell whether I've got a large lump, or a small testicle.

Besides, my stomach is so fat, I can't see over it.

[happy daze john in oz]

Some years ago here on TV one of the guys was telling how he had found a lump in one of his goolies giving a very graphic account on national TV. He suggested thta all guys check theirs. So I did nad found a small spot. Went to the GP, who was at that time a female and most likely still is. She got a male GP to inspect it, sent for a scan. Just a cyst, nothing more.

[leratty]

Brian, your experience required more concentration than mine with six involved. I think I would have started to laugh.

Anther time I went to the Dr saying I had this real sharp pain in my bladder, she said you have to go to this specialist at St Vincent's which i did. She did not tell me he was going to send this camera up Mr. Wobbly, but first he anesthetised it & that hurts worse than a dentist needle! Anyway did his biz then said, "get dressed, nothing I can see wrong there, did you drive here?" I said "yes" "well you can't drive get someone to pick you up or catch a taxi." Ferk that "I said I would & no I was OK to walk out." Ha, laugh he showed me out into this huge multiple waiting room (for all the specialists on the floor) just like the boarding area of an airport. Anyway he watches me as I crab like lurch to my left right across the area trying so hard to look normal, like being p...d, arrive at the lift get in feeling a total idiot, see him watching in hysterics guess he has seen it so many times before. Get out go to car park, get in car drive very oddly & slowly directly to my local, met my wife & got s... faced.

Oh I am told when we have a colonoscopy (God is that stuff you have to drink night before appalling or what?) we get a erection? How that is so when you are anesthetised I do not know but we all know Mr. Wobbly has a mind of his own. When I was told by a mate I was beyond mortified as the two nurses & Dr who did mine were ladies. Oh the embarrassment of it all. Wonder if they rate-score them?

[Ivan Cloherty]

. Wonder if they rate-score them?

Nothing wrong with 9 out of 10 mate !, even if it was April 1st.

[John Gill]

Talking of matters genital- quite a long time ago, my wife and i decided that our family was complete and that i should have a vasectomy. Still fairly solvent in those days i decided to go private. I made an appointment to see a consultant in his rooms in Liverpool in a thoroughfare called Rodney Street, which to those familiar with the area is a rather exclusive part of town. During the consultation i was asked to drop my trousers so that he could examine my bits to determine whether all was ok for surgery. I had to remain standing for his inspection as he had to see if everything was hanging as it should. While he was kneeling to examine my groin area, i happened to look over his head out of the window to see a stone mason on the ramparts of the almost completed Anglican Cathedral, mallet frozen in hand looking directly at the whole scenario. Moments later, inspection complete, fully dressed, i looked up to see the artisan chipping away at the sandstone, probably quite used to the peculiarites of the occupants of Rodney Street.
gilly

[happy daze john in oz]

I had a colonoscopy and gastrophy some years back. they use the same camera for both ends but did do the colonoscopy second. When i came round there was a wad of cotton woll up my rear end. They fill you with gas before inserting the camera. The nurse came to remove it, I went off like a balloon going down.

[leratty]

God vasectomy reminds me of a crazy mate from years ago. He played Rugby League for Aus as I recall so was pretty tough! Anyway he decided he should as they had their quota get one, so went to his local GP. All was set, they anesthetised the area & went to work, half way or a bit more through he said "I can feel this & it is pretty painful! " the Dr requested "more aesthetic" the nurse went to find it came back & said "there was no more." Ron said, "just finish the job I am in a lot of pain here." They did, he got up went to his car & drove the short distance to home, staggered into the house his wife said "Christ what is the matter?" he told her then went to the bedroom got into bed in agony. She came in said "give me a look at it" she was horrified his balls were huge & still swelling she went & got some wet towels + ice tried soothing them he got a hard on burst the stitches, TRUE, Dr was called even still in serious pain much laughter by all. An experience he would often relate though all who heard would cringe visibly with their hands to their nether region.
I should tell the story of my wife getting 'fixed' as I am such a coward would not get a vasectomy, will need permission though, hilarious.