View Full Version : Kulula Airlines

Doc Vernon
3rd May 2015, 07:19 PM
Have you heard of Kulula Airlines (Budget Airline in South Africa)

This is from Capt (No not of Kalula LOL)
Just had to post it
Thanks Capt!

Don’t miss scrolling all the way down to read the flight attendants comments to the passengers.

17872 Click on Pics to see the Logos on the Aircraft

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And have a read about their Customer Relations. Hard to believe that this is an actual Airline.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Cheers LOL:rollinglaugh:

Braid Anderson
4th May 2015, 05:33 AM
On a Delta Airlines rough landing our chief hostie said "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just bounced into Houston International Airport"

Captain Kong
4th May 2015, 07:05 AM
I flew from Sydney to Alice Springs in 2007, a very bumpy flight and worse landing.
They announced, "With great Skill our pilot got us down safely, shaken but not stirred."

John Arton
4th May 2015, 12:03 PM
On a Delta flight from Atlanta to the U.K., just before the pane was due to leap in the air, the tyres on one side blew out. Emergency stop, full astern on the engines and pilots foot on the floor on the brakes. Ended up skidding to a stop just off the end of the runway with smoke pouring from the undercarriage on the stbd. side. Got towed back to the terminal escorted by fire engines and brought up just by the gate we had left minutes before with smoke still coming from the undercarriage. 40 deg. outside, no hook up to shore power so no a/c or ventilation as all engines shut down due to fire risk from heat from undercarriage. After 4 hours sweltering on board with no water been handed out by the flight crew,all the American passengers stormed the doors demanding to be let off and even the usual sour faced delta Stewardess had to agree. Eventually we were all let off back into the terminal where we were placed in a roped off enclosure surrounded by armed guards and if you wanted to purchase a drink, food or go to the bathroom you were escorted by an armed guard. Some of the comments by the American passengers were definitely unprintable here.
Took off on the same plane some 7/8 hours later. Not one of Delta's finest moments.

Braid Anderson
5th May 2015, 02:59 AM
On the brighter side, one of the best displays of Air Traffic Control I've ever seen was at Denver in Feb 1981(?). There was a blizzard raging, and the planes were really stacked up. The controllers must have known, via reports/radar whatever that there was a gap in the blizzard, and were keeping the runways relatively clear of snow. When the gap arrived, they had the planes landing on two parallel runways, with military precision. My plane was in the right 'lane', and I had a left side window seat. As we came down, I could see the plane ahead in the left lane, AND the plane behind in the left lane. Minutes after we landed the blizzard closed in again, but they had us all down. I started to clap my hands, and most of the passengers joined in with me.

John Arton
5th May 2015, 09:34 AM
A pal of mine was flying up to join a ship in one of the N. Aus. iron ore ports and was on one of those small hopper planes that put down at virtually every outback places on the route. There was no toilet facilities on the plane so at one landing in the middle of nowhere he asked the pilot about toilet facilities. The reply shouted to him by the pilot was,
"For those of you flying with us today who are unaware of the toilet facilities, its gents on the right wheel, Sheila's on the left every time we land".
For really scary flying though you cannot beat flying round PNG from Port Moresby down to Alotau, fling between the mountains, landing on grass strips in the middle of nowhere and when eventually landing in Alotau discovering that the pilot was a one eyed German with a patch over one eye and a scar down his left cheek {NOT..his buttock before any of you lot jump in} or alternatively flying around B.C. in a float plane where you actually carried your own fold up seat onto the plane and secured it to the deck of the plane, the seat belts consisting of reaching down and grabbing the straps that were fixed to the floor which were used to secure any cargo the plane would carry. This happened to 4 of us who decided to go and see Led Zepplin perform in Vancouver and we were in Nanaimo. The only {and cheapest} way we could get across to see the concert and still make it back in time for Sunday night was to fly across and we found this one man one seaplane outfit in Nanaimo who was prepared to take us across and back for a very cheapo price. We piled onto his plane, bolted our seats down and off we took, taxing across the harbour and taking off right in front of the incoming ferry with the pilot explaining to us that he always tried to give the ferry a fright as his brother was skipper on it!!!. On approaching Vancouver the pilot asked if we wanted to go over the bridge at the entrance in order to get a good view of downtown Vancouver, or under it. So under the First Narrows bridge we went to the consternation of sea traffic in the area.
Whilst we went to the concert and then back to a friends house for celebrations the pilot probably went on the pizz as when we turned up at the dock where his plane had moored the previous night, he appeared very hung over, as were we. The flight back to Nanaimo was taken without any dare devil tricks as I think all of us were holding on tight trying to prevent calling for "Hughie".
Next trip out there we were anchored in Indian Arm during a dock strike for over a month and it was job as one of the cadets to run the lifeboat for shore leave runs. Every morning on my first run of the day at 0830 I would get buzzed by a guy who used his seaplane to commute to work. I eventually managed to get hold of him one day and invited him and his pals on board at the weekend. He ended up bringing about 30 of his mates {male and female} out to us in their various own boats. We ended up having a 48 hour party with around 6 rather nice sail and power boats tied up to our gangway.
great times.

Braid Anderson
6th May 2015, 07:25 AM
This is from one of my unpublished 'Flag' books. The real life thing actually happened to me in Palembang.

By Monday morning everything was ready for the first demonstration flight. Three of the Skywagon's six seats were removed, as well as the main side cargo doors. Flag had enlisted the assistance of his driver Yusuf, who was plainly apprehensive about his role. Flag sat in the copilot's seat, with Yusuf immediately behind him - alongside the gaping hole left by the missing cargo doors. Between the seats, and behind Skel's seat, were the OLGARD pamphlets, tied with string in bundles of a thousand.
Flag carefully explained, with Idiculus' assistance, what he required Yusuf to do. He should make sure his seat belt was fastened at all times, then when Flag gave the word, throw the pamphlets over the side. He gave Yusuf a pair of sharp scissors with which to cut the string, and they were soon in the air, heading for town. Skel had received permission to fly along the main street at a height of 500ft, which he said was ridiculous for their purpose. Instead, he decided 50ft was much more appropriate, in view of the ten knot breeze.
"After all, I'm only knocking off a zero, so there's nothing in it, right?" said Skel.
They flew over the city, and spotted the procession in the main street, making towards the River Mudi bridge, which was a substantial suspension structure at the end of the street. On the corner was the biggest mosque in town, with its impressive dome and minarets. Skel decided he would make his run from the opposite end, then bank right between the mosque and the closer bridge tower. They would make a dummy run first, to get the feel of things.
The Cessna banked round the city centre, before lining up on the main street. Then they came lower, and lower - and lower, as Skel let down some flap to give stability at lower speed. The top windows of the tallest buildings - just 5 storeys high - flashed past, level with the aircraft on Flag's side. People in the crowd below looked up, and some scattered as the Cessna roared over their heads. Then the bridge tower was approaching at an alarming speed. Skel applied full power, raised the flaps, and banked round the outer minaret of the mosque. Flag looked UP at a frightened face peering over the edge of the topmost platform, then they were clear and climbing in a right hand turn.
"Okay, no problems" said Skel, as Flag looked over his shoulder at Yusuf, who was sitting petrified, clutching the sides of his seat. "We'll make a live run straight away."
"Yusuf!" shouted Flag, above the noise of engine and slipstream. There was no reaction. "YUSUF!" Still no reaction. Flag twisted in his seat and reached back for Yusuf's shoulder. He had to shake twice before Yusuf came back to life.
Flag explained by hand gestures that they were going to throw out a bundle of pamphlets on the next run. It took some time for Yusuf to get the message, as Skel circled the plane; but eventually Flag decided they were ready to go.
Skel lined up the main street and descended as before, while Flag instructed Yusuf to prepare a bundle of pamphlets in his lap with the scissors ready. While still on the ground, he had shown Yusuf how to hold a bundle out through the doorway before cutting the string. He watched the procession as the plane overtook it, as Yusuf watched his raised arm. When he dropped the arm, Yusuf was to launch the pamphlets.
Lower, closer, lower yet and still closer. They passed over the tail end of the crowd, and two seconds later Flag dropped his arm. He turned round in time to see Yusuf drop the bundle through the empty doorway - with his eyes shut, and without cutting the string!
"Pull up Skel!" yelled Flag. He then watched with horror through the doorway, as Yusuf's bomb plummetted on the crowd. Oh Jesus, if it hit anyone it would bloody kill him. The bundle landed on top of a covered van in the procession, without penetrating the steel roof. The string broke, and pamphlets scattered onto the street.
"Thank God for that," muttered Flag.
"Skel, get a bit of height, and then fly straight and level for a while please. I'm going to change places with Yusuf before he does kill somebody. Next trip we'd better take Idiculus."
Flag pushed his seat as far back as it would go, and undid his seat harness. The back of his seat was now touching Yusuf's knees, as Flag squeezed behind Skel's seat. He made his way behind Yusuf, signaling him to get into the copilot's position. Yusuf didn't move. He was still gripping the sides of his seat and staring blankly ahead, afraid to look over the side. Flag reached round the side of the seat and undid Yusuf's seat belt, waving at him to move left, away from the doorway and its howling slipstream. Yusuf's face wore a terrified expression, and his eyes pleaded with Flag.
It took nearly five minutes to persuade Yusuf into the seat beside Skel, and belt him in. Only then did he begin to behave in a semi-human fashion again. Flag leaned forward and shouted in Skel's ear.
"The head of the procession is nearly at the bridge. Make a couple of fast runs with no flaps, getting round as quick as you can. You'll have to give me the signal. Lift your right hand a foot off the controls, and drop it when I have to release."
"Got it Flag - full speed ahead. Make sure your seat belt's tight, and watch the faster slipstream doesn't break your arm off!"
Flag had already considered this possibility, and allowed for it in his technique. There was some extra cord in the pocket of Yusuf's seat, and he made himself busy re-tying a few bundles of pamphlets. Once round each way, then a slip knot, with ten feet of spare cord above it. The free end of the cord was then tied to the framework of his seat, just like the static line on his one and only live jump from an old Hastings in the army. He then cut and removed the original binding of the bundles. By which time Skel was on final approach to the target, with throttles wide open.
"Woooeeee!" yelled Skel as the buildings flashed past at speed. Then he lifted his right hand and chopped it down. Flag threw a bundle down through the doorway as hard as he could. The cord snapped tight, and he looked back through the doorway as Skel pulled into a power climb, then banked right. The pamphlets were drifting down on the procession in a stream more than a hundred feet long. This is what he should have done from the start. Skel shouted that he could make three more runs if they were quick, so Flag busied himself with more bundles. Halfway through, he had to put them aside as Skel made the second exhilerating bombing run. Once more it worked perfectly, and he just had time to complete his preparations before the third run. This time he had two bundles ready, and tossed them out a couple of seconds apart. The result was an almost continuous stream of pamphlets along half of the procession.
The final run was the best of all, though things were getting a bit tight for Skel. Flag let three bundles go at three second intervals; they covered the whole procession - and almost the bridge approach as well. He looked up and the bridge tower was coming straight at them. Skel flipped the plane onto its side, with the wings vertical, and they scraped past the tower. But it cost altitude, and the starboard wingtip was getting too close to the water for Flag's peace of mind.
The Cessna flipped onto an even keel again, and began to climb - skimming the masts of a tanker in the river. Flag busied himself retrieving and rolling up his 'static lines'. When he checked Yusuf, his eyes were firmly closed; so Flag decided to let him stay where he was. Five minutes after they landed, Yusuf finally re-opened his eyes.
Half an hour later the Governor called Flag to congratulate him on the pamphlet runs. He was most enthusiastic about future venues, and looked forward to the most successful campaign in Indonesia with Flag's help. Flag informed him that Skel's aircraft was due for a service and inspection in Jakarta, which should take only a few days. After that, it would be clear for the next month. He thought it unnecessary - inadvisable even - to mention Yusuf's bomb.

happy daze john in oz
6th May 2015, 12:23 PM
Once flew into Lombok airport nd there at the end of the runway the wreck of an aircraft. This was Christmas eve and the wreck had been there since early November!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6th May 2015, 06:06 PM
#7, Had the of privilege of reading this particular book and enjoyed it. Felt as if I was there with "Flag" and experiencing his exploits for myself. Always a good sign I think when the author transports you to another land without all the tribulations. An easy read perfect for beach, travelling or bedtime one that both partners can share:)

So far I have got six folk to order one of Braids books from their library and have posted his titles with my emails to request the same, saves the shoe leather....

Please click a link for one of my books, and help feed my adopted PNG kids
Gross Britain by Braid Anderson | 9781781761960
Flag McAndrew by Braid Anderson | 9781908481931
The Castaway's Diary by Braid Anderson | 9781907986741
Site Updated (http://www.feedaread.com/books/Tropi...785101137.aspx)
Gunner Flag McAndrew by Braid Anderson | 9781785106958
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*Or order from your local library* Final word, My daughters,& daughter in law have added the link to their facebook pages!!! Please, we are feeding children here who are being reared in a somewhat turbulent environment through no fault of their own by a kind, trustworthy, stabling influence in their lives. Thank you, Marian

Braid Anderson
7th May 2015, 12:54 AM
This is from one of my unpublished 'Flag' books. The real life thing actually happened to me in Palembang
Before anyone asks, I sent Marian the original manuscript, asking her to do me the favour of an honest - brutal if necessary - pre-publishing critique. Thanks Marian, and the book 'Flag McAndrew in Indonesia' will be published probably by September.

John Arton
7th May 2015, 08:06 AM
Until they built the new airport in the south of the island, Tenerife airport was one of the scariest as it was high up in the mountains and was subject to sudden and unpredictable up drafts that caused many a scary moments on final approach as you came in from seaward.
Our honeymoon was spent there and after a very wobbly approach it almost was enough to put of our first night of passion for my wife and self as we needed lots of alcohol to calm our nerves after we got into our hotel.
A few years previous to our honeymoon there had been two horrendous crashes there, one where a landing plane crashed onto a plane taking off followed a few years later by an aircraft crashing on landing, the burnt out wreck of which was still lying there when we arrived for our honeymoon.
Why I chose Tenerife for our honeymoon I have no idea as having joined a ship there previously I was well aware of the scary approach. The ship I joined was a tanker and I can vividly remember being tied up discharging and having the flights going over the top of us on their final approach with their engines going full tilt, flaps extended and altering angle all the time as pilots fought to wrestle the plane down. There were often aborted landings, you would hear the engines go full ahead and the plane would appear going round in a circle to make another approach. We were moored right at the base of the cliffs in the Islands principal port and were pumping avgas up to the airport some hundreds of meters above sea level and some kilometres from us so the back pressure on the line was high, resulting in a very slow discharge. I had flown out as 3rd Mate, with two first trip cadets with me also joining. After eventually landing after a very rough approach one of them barely made it off the plane before calling for Hughie at the bottom of the ladder.
Weirdly enough though, the same lad was never sea sick on his first trip which after a couple of calls at West African ports to complete discharge {Doula, Lagos , Abidjan plus one more I forget} we ended up in the Tyne for dry docking after a particularly rough crossing of Biscay.