View Full Version : Expressions

9th November 2012, 01:45 AM
Anyone remember who said
1. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Give him religion and he"ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
2. America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wresling is real but the moon landing was faked.
3. If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember what you said.
4. I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire, God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
5. My Uncle was lucky he had a rabbits foot for 30 years. His other foot was normal.
6. After the game the King and the pawn go into the same box.
7. Dont worry about temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
8. The average person thinks he isnt.
9. Men are like linoleum floors.Lay them right and you can walk all over them for 30 years.
10 The only reason they say women and children first as totest the strength of the lifeboats
11 I've been married to a communist and to a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage
12 A true friend is one who stabs you in the front
13 You know your a redneck, if your home has wheels and your car doesnt.
14 When a man opens a car door for his wife, its either a new car or a new wife
15 Two heads are better than one, unless they are on the same body
16 When you come to a fork in the road, take it
17 I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was it was my own
18 A computer once beat me at chess., but it was no match for me at kickboxing
19 Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself
20 The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree
21 Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke
22 Kill one man and your a murderer. Killa million and your a conqueror
23 Having more money doesnt make you happier.I have 50 million but was just as happy when I had 48 million
24 I was so poor that if I woke up on Christmas without an erection I had nothing to play with
25 I was so poor that I didnt know where my next husband was coming from
26 We are here on earth to do good upon others, what the others are here for I have no idea
27 I would like to live in Manchester, the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable
28 The problem with the French is they dont have a word for entrepreneur
29 In hotel rooms I worry. I cant be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked
30 Some mornings its just not worth chewing through the leather straps
31 If life were fair. Elvis would still be alive today and the impersonators would be dead
32 Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiin shirt and baseball cap
33 Home cooking is where many a man thinks his wife is
34 When they circumcised you they threw away the wrong bit
35 I said to my husband, Why dont you call my name out when we are making love, He said I dont want to wake you up
36 As I hurdled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind, every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder
37 If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat
38 America is so advanced tat even the chairs are electric
39 The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone
40 If God had intended us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport
41 The future isnt what it used to be
Cheers John Sabourn

9th November 2012, 01:44 PM
1. Timothy Jones
2. David letterman
3. Mark Twain
4. Howard Hughes
5. Tom Griffin
6. Italian Proverb
7. Farmers Almanac
8. Larry Lorenzoni

9. Betsy Salkind
10 Jean Kerr
11 Zsa Zsa Gabor
12 Oscar Wilde
13 Jeff Foxworthy
14 Prince Philllip
15 Harry Hershfield
16 Yogi Berra
17 Les Dawson
18 Emo Philips
19 Harrison Ford
20 Spike Milligan
21 Robin Hall
22 Jean Rostand
23 Arnold Shwartzenegger
24 Frank McCourt
25 Mae West
26 W.H.Auden
27 Mark Rwain
28 Geotge W Bush
29 Jonathan Katz
30 Erno Philips
31 Johnny Carson
32 Steve Martin
33 Jimmy Durante
34 David Lloyd Jones
35 Joan Rivers
36 John Glenn
37 Steven Wright
38 Doug Hamwell
39 George Roberts
40 Jonathan Winters
41 Yogi Berra

Cheers John Sabourn

Jim Brady
9th November 2012, 02:01 PM
Who at sea said two heads are better than one?

Expression Sayer.
The barber on the QE2.


Captain Kong
9th November 2012, 05:19 PM
There has been a couple more recently,
Last year when I was in Hawaii and the Tsunami from Japan was on its way to hit Hawaii,
Sara Palin the Governer of Alaska and one time contender for Presidential nomination, said on the Hawaiian TV
"If the Stunamis hit Hawaii, then we will hit them back twice as hard."
Everyone there was laughing at her.
and last week, Mit Romney said on TV,
"If I was President, Storm Sandy would not have hit us".
They have some great commedians as Presidential candidates in the States.

Jim Brady
9th November 2012, 08:05 PM
Expressions by US President on death.

George Washington. God Bless America.

Thomas Jefferson. God Bless America.

Andrew Jackson... God Bless America.

General Custer. Where did all these bloody Indians come from!!!


Captain Kong
9th November 2012, 09:50 PM
Or , "I cant understand those Indians, they were all singing and dancing fiveminutes ago."

Keith at Tregenna
9th November 2012, 09:53 PM
I can be a mighty friend, but would not want myself as an enemy ?


Kenneth Kenny
9th November 2012, 10:50 PM
Working at Shaw Savil Ship,in the Huskinson Dock in Liverpool down fridge hatch the cargo was New Zealand Lambs official hour on and off,anyway this Holdsman Jimmy Page looked like Jack Palance had a broken nose like him,he came down the hatch fifteen minutes late,to relive Billy Brown,he said to Jimmy Page why are you late he said was in the Betting Shop and my Horse was in a photo finish,waited till the result came through.Billy Brown picked up a big piece of timber and said to him Jim Page see them Nose's I make them,Jimmy Page shot up the ladder like scared rat and Billy Brown after him,never seen them till next morning in the Pen.Ken.

John Pruden
10th November 2012, 11:14 AM
1. Timothy Jones
2. David letterman
3. Mark Twain
...............JOHN one of the best must have been george burns he was one of the best one liners ever.

Captain Kong
10th November 2012, 11:45 AM
How about WC Fields he had many.
"Any man who hates Kids and Dogs cant be all that bad."

Jim Brady
10th November 2012, 12:07 PM
Groucho Marx takes some beating."One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas how it got into my pyjamas I dont know"

Duke Drennan
10th November 2012, 12:42 PM
Groucho delivered some of the best one-liners ever Jim. One of them, when asked if he was a member of a prestigious club, replied " I wouldn't want to be associated with any club that'd have me as a member". I still enjoy Marx Bros movies.

Jim Brady
10th November 2012, 12:51 PM
Duke,quite a few of Groucho on You Tube,

11th November 2012, 08:17 AM
The lone Ranger and Tonto surrounded by apache and renegade indians. Lone Ranger to Tonto, well Tonto looks like weve had it. Tonto to Lone Ranger, what you mean we, kimu savvy. John sabourn.